Instagram – it’s not just that thing you don’t use ever since you got Snapchat.
Turns out, it’s also a great way to get an inside look at the lives of professional athletes, who fill our meaningless moments with photos of expensive cars, gaudy jewelry and the occasional accidental dick pic. What can we say? Instagram makes our gradual walk to the grave just a bit less excruciating.
And while some athletes have mastered the art of the Insta, there are plenty who just can’t figure it out… and the overwhelming majority of them seem to play in the NFL. Whether it’s because of boring or blurry shots, endless abuse of filters or an overflow of sponsored posts, NFL Instagrammers should probably leave the picture-sharing application in the dust. Here are the worst offenders, 20 accounts that are in desperate need of an Insta-overhaul.
1. Colin Kaepernick
A frequently unfunny, oft-shirtless alpha male who fancies himself the NFL’s answer to Matt Foley, Kaepernick manages to incorporate everything truly awful about athletes in one Instagram account – selfies slathered in ego, questionable fashion shoots and a penchant for “inspirational” prose mixed with the occasional (and entirely unsolicited) promotional post. And don’t even get us started on the whole “#7tormsComing” thing.
2. Arian Foster
Do you watch Cosmos? Do you even lift? Arian Foster is kind of like the dude you shared a dorm room with freshman year, only if, instead of Medeski Martin & Wood, he was really into CrossFit and building his VO2 max. That means one minute, he’s hanging out with Neil deGrasse Tyson, the next, he’s posting slo-mo sprint videos. Or “painting poetry,” whatever the fuck that means. He contains multitudes, man, and all of them are annoying.
4. James Harrison
We get it, dude, you’re strong. To be fair, we’re only including the ageless Harrison’s account out of spite – dude’s 37 and playing volleyball with medicine balls, while we can’t even walk to the subway (or the Subway) without getting winded. Please don’t kill us, James.
5. Charlie Whitehurst
Judging by his Instagram, there are two things Tennessee Titans quarterback Charlie Whitehurst loves: getting his picture taken while shirtless and hanging out by the water. With his long black hair, thick beard and equally furry Dad Bod, Whitehurst looks like he was plucked out of an old issue of Honcho, and the shots of him seductively sipping a glass of champagne don’t help matters. Sorry, Charlie.
6. Carson Palmer
Creaky Cardinals QB Carson Palmer just joined Instagram this summer, but he made up for lost time with unflattering #TBTs and grotesque surgery shots (complete with inspirational messages). In short, Palmer needed Insta-help; perhaps a recent photo of he and his daughter getting pedicures is a step in the right direction.
7. Prince Amukamara
Sadly not as awesome as you’d expect an Instagram account belonging to a dude named “Prince Amukamara” to be, the cornerback’s feed is essentially little more than a collection of memes a only teenager would post, shaky videos of a dance contest and baby pictures. Lots of baby pictures. You coulda been a king, Prince.
9. Graham Gano
When you follow a celebrity (or a kicker) on Instagram, you expect one or two sponsored posts. But Gano takes this to another level. His barrage of seemingly sponsored posts – everything from coffee to sunflower seeds – try the soul, and even when he’s not outwardly in pitch-mode, he’s still finding ways to make sure you drink your Ovaltine. Or milk. Whatever.
10. Dakota Dozier
The life of an NFLer is typically full of excitement – unless you’re Jets lineman Dakota Dozier, whose Instagram is full of so many boring photos (Dudes playing video games! Donuts! The Lion King!) that the accountants at H&R Block probably feel bad for him. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, we suppose…but, c’mon man, you’re in the NFL. Where’s your pet tiger?
11. Mo Wilkerson
By all accounts, Jets defensive end Mo Wilkerson seems like a decent guy and his Instagram is pretty respectable. However, he routinely commits a cardinal sin of picture-sharing service, which is posting screencaps of prior Snapchats. Instagram and Snapchat are like oil and water, Mo! They don’t mix!
12. The Actual NFL
When they’re not trying to pretend “Deflategate” didn’t happen, they’re busy filling your feed with the kind of stuff your dad would post (or your “artistic” aunt). Are we sure Roger Goodell isn’t running this account?
13. Ray Rice
OK, so he’s not technically in the NFL at the moment, but his Instagram account – which hasn’t been updated in more than two years – serves as a reminder that, long before he punched his fiancée in an elevator, Ray Rice was an asshole. We should’ve seen it coming.
14. Mario Williams
Besides the overuse of filters, Mario Williams’ Insta account is downright unsettling. From multiple shots of what could best be described as an arsenal of firearms, to dogs that seem like they’ll tear you apart, Williams needs to relax – but a recent post of him sporting wolf eyes, accompanied by a “never ask for permission” mantra, seems to indicate he plans on remaining terrifying.
15. Chris Watt
Based on his account info alone – it simply reads, “Enjoy the photos” – it’s apparent that Chargers center Chris Watt is an Insta-noob, but his pictures prove that theory. For example, posting one shot of a taco is more than enough – but three in a row? C’mon, bro.
16. Drew Brees
If you are a fan of Drew Brees, Man Who Will Endorse Anything, then you’ll love his Instagram account, chock full of photos of the sports bar/”Bistreaux” franchise he’s partnered with and approximately 73,000 pictures of his kids. This is one account that works overtime to keep the image of BreesCorp as glossy as possible – all that’s missing is a shot of him sporting those Wranglers with the extra room in the crotch. Or maybe that’s in here; we kind of got bored and moved on.
17. Boobie Dixon
He’s up in the No Flex Zone – if said Zone consists almost entirely of other people’s photos, inspirational texts and shots of food. The picture of the dude downing two gigantic margaritas is a step in the right direction, however. We just can’t stay mad at a man named Boobie.
18. Craig Robertson
A shot of some sneakers. A shot of a watch. A shot of an old telephone. Cleveland Browns linebacker Craig Robertson’s life has to be more exciting than his Instagram would lead you to believe. It just has to be!
19. Adrian Peterson
Jesus Christ, dude. We’d take you to task for your inability to crop a photo (or even an advertisement), but we heard you have a thing for discipline, so we’re just gonna let it slide.
20. Michael Vick
He’s on the Steelers now! And we know this might come as a surprise to you, but he’s friends with Floyd Mayweather. No matter how far removed he is from the dog fighting thing, there’s no denying Vick remains supremely unlikable. Then again, everyone seems like an asshole on one of those Swerve Wheels.