Rob Gronkowski continues to be the gift that keeps on giving (you Jell-O shots).
In an offseason that has already included twerking, making “Deez Nuts” jokes, hitting on local newscasters and dressing like the Bill Brasky of Vineyard Vines, the Patriots’ hard-partying tight end has also found time to “write” a book. It’s a memoir called It’s Good to be Gronk, it’s coming out on July 14 and it will profoundly change your life.
At least that’s the takeaway from some juicy excerpts, published today on the MMQB. As you’d probably expect, they show America’s most fervent practitioner of the party arts doing what he does best – living life at Peak Gronk.
Take the time he gave a 260-pound woman a lap dance at a bachelorette party, only to see the chair holding both of them crumble beneath their collective heft:
“There were a lot of hot, sexy Mexican ladies there, but I picked out the largest, healthiest looking one, who had to be 260 pounds, like I was. After 10 seconds of me dancing on top of her in the chair, the collective 520 pounds of the two of us collapsed the fold-up chair. The crowd exploded with laughter. I got up and continued dancing (or twerking) to that Mariachi music. That was the best $30 I ever made!”
If that doesn’t do it for you, Gronk dispenses some financial advice (“I still haven’t touched one dime of my signing bonus”) and regales readers with a story about getting into a frat-house brawl, tossing four assailants around like the Incredible Hulk and subsequently nursing his bumps and bruises with a girl he was, uh, friendly with?
“Guys were coming at me from behind and from all angles…Eventually eight of them got me to the ground, and I was taking kicks everywhere, but our quarterback, Willie Tuitama, ran in and helped get me out of there. The girl I had been friendly with told me that I looked like the Hulk throwing four dudes off me. She loved it and definitely made it up to me later.”
Ah, just another day in the life of Rob Gronkowski. It must be good (or, alternatively, exhausting) to be that dude.