Anybody paying attention to Olympic Twitter – either in real-time or on delay, both are good – probably noticed an uptick in “Michael Phelps likes to get kinky” type jokes when the swimmer first took off his robe and showed the entire world his nice collection of big purple dots all over his body. The Internet moves fast, and in no time people were instantly pointing out Phelps was into cupping, an ancient Chinese practice that is meant to help relieve blockages in the body’s natural energy and blood flow, helping lead to better and faster recovery.
Of course, the Internet being the Internet, you still had your handful of dudes tweeting stuff along the lines of: “Cupping? Woah. Sounds kinky.” Not so much because most of the people you come across on social media think like they’re 15 (I’d estimate maybe 35 percent do), but because the sex lives of Olympians is a topic that fascinates all of us, from the dude who will take any opportunity to post a Crying Jordan to armchair anthropologists who want to explore the deeper meaning behind whatever kind of things might be going on in Rio between consenting athletes.
While there’s no way of actually knowing how much sex is actually taking place in and around the Olympic Village, one thing is for sure: There are tons of really good-looking people in one place right now. There are gorgeous locals, tourists looking for a good time, divers, soccer studs. Oh, and Draymond Green and his famous penis. It’s safe to assume, there’s definitely going to be a lot of boning done a lot of different ways.
But just how many dongs will go into places where a condom is necessary? The IOC estimated it at somewhere around 450,000, so they ordered up that many condoms, and have people like Eric going around the games just handing out rubbers, wishing people a pleasant evening, and going on his way. That number has grown significantly over the years, especially after the great Sydney rubber shortage of 20,000 when 70,000 condoms were ordered, but another 20,000 reserves were necessary midway through.
People fuck at the Olympics, that’s just a fact. You get a bunch of great looking people with flawless bodies, throw in a bunch of Greek imagery – and the dual aphrodisiac that is the ecstasy of winning, and the agony of defeat – and people get horny as hell. None of this is new.
What is different, talking to people who have been to multiple games, is that Olympic attendees – both athletes and out of towners – seem to be having more fun in 2016 despite all the worries of Zika and crime. Of course, that could just be because they’re in a place like Rio. The summer Olympics, more than the winter counterpart, is usually set in a more exotic location (Barcelona, Sydney, etc.), where there’s sun, water and warmth. Sure, people may have been looking for a body to keep them warm in Sochi, but people are looking to party in Rio. Dating and hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr have the numbers to show it.
So you have over 10,000 athletes, media, camera people, world-famous sex idiot Ryan Lochte, and 450,000 condoms. Basically you’re giving each athlete, every rugby, basketball, and water polo player, about 45 rubbers each. Not all of those athletes will use any of those condoms, but that’s the IOC telling them, “If you’re going to do it that much, do it safe,” which is a pretty sex-positive thing for the IOC to say. Of course, let’s not overlook that there are plenty of women into other women who don’t need a condom to have fun in the sack. So that’s even more sex right there. There’s a chance that there is more sex going on in Rio over these two weeks than there is any other place on the planet. The Olympics might be the capitol of doing it.
The general unspoken rule at the Olympics is the same one as a trip to Las Vegas: What happens in or around the Village stays in the Village. So there’s really a chance we will never come close to knowing just how much sex takes place during the games. But just taking into consideration the condom count as the one solid number we have, it’s fair to say that they’re better off just having a bonfire with the sheets after everybody goes home.