NFL Winners and Losers: WTF Is Happening?
It’s only Week 11, but this is already the weirdest NFL season of all time. Everywhere you look, it’s chaos. The AFC North is a crapshoot, with the Ravens, Bengals, Browns and Steelers all sitting at 6 wins apiece. The NFC South is a night terror playing out before our very eyes. All teams are at least 2 games below .500 and one of them will have the honor of getting killed in the playoffs.
After Sunday, the Ravens, Steelers and Niners are out of the postseason while the Lions, Dolphins and Chiefs are in. The Broncos and Seahawks looked very mortal, Drew Brees looked like Shaun Hill’s backup and the Cardinals have the best record in the league. What planet are we on?
Nothing makes sense – except the Patriots. They just keep on rolling.
Who else can compete with Belichick’s Boys? Here are the Winners and Losers from Week 11.
Winner: Arrowhead Stadium
Most people believe the Seattle Seahawks have the best home-field advantage in all of professional sports. Arrowhead Stadium would like a word…
The Chiefs took care of Seattle in a slugfest that both teams desperately needed. Jamaal Charles had himself a game, running for 159 yards and 2 touchdowns. In the end, it was the K.C. defense, spurred on by an angry Arrowhead crowd, that delivered the final death blows; stopping a Seattle team with Marshawn Lynch on fourth down on three separate occasions. Don’t look now, but Kansas City’s 7-3, riding a five-game winning streak and right back in the AFC hunt.
Losers: The Non-Cowboys of the NFC East
Sunday was rough even by NFC East standards.
First off, Eli Manning’s pick-obsessed alter ego (I bet he looks like Snidely Whiplash) showed up on Sunday to throw 5 interceptions in New York’s loss to the Niners. Then the Washington Football Club got rocked by the 2-8 Bucs, even after the Navy Seal who supposedly who supposedly shot Bin Laden gave them an all-American pep talk. Lastly, the Philadelphia Eagles came into the week high on some Sanchez magic and tied atop the division with Dallas. That all changed when they left Lambeau Field in a demoralizing loss to the Throwback Packers.
Meanwhile Cowboys were able to jump back up to first place with the Eagles, and they didn’t even have to put on pants.
Winner: The Rook, Mike Evans
Mike Evans is coming for that Offensive Rookie of the Year award, no matter how bad the Bucs are. Evans put up his third consecutive 100-yard receiving game yesterday, which is putting his accomplishments mildly: He actually went off for 207 yards and 2 touchdowns, leading the Bucs to their second win of the season (they’re still alive in the NFC South btw). The last rookie to put up 100 in three straight? A young whippersnapper by the name of Randy Moss.
Losers: The Denver Broncos
I feel bad for labeling the Broncos as “Losers” after the string of bad luck they encountered yesterday. They lost Montee Ball (groin) and Julius Thomas (ankle) in the first half, but the real gut-punch came when wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders was crushed by a meteor named Rodney McLeod, in one of the most brutal hits the NFL has seen in a minute.
As a result, Denver was not only upset by St. Louis, but lost ground to the Pats in the race for home-field advantage in the AFC. Oh, and they’ve got Kansas City breathing down their neck in their division. Just imagine what Andy Reid’s breath smells like.
Loser: This Saints Fan
What does it take to fill the gaping chasm within our souls? Well, for one Saints fan, the answer is apparently “a football.”
After Cincinnati’s Jermaine Gresham clearly tossed a touchdown ball to a female Bengals fan, a Saints supporter named Tony Williams stepped in and took the ball right out of her hands. It wasn’t a clean pick either. There was definitely some contact there.
“He should be ashamed of himself,” Gresham said after the game.
Not surprisingly, Williams – a long-time season ticket holder – was not ashamed. “Zero remorse. A Bengals fan in here, I’m keeping this ball,” he said, which shows he’s a man of pride and principle. I mean, this was a real NFL football! Plus the Bengals fan got her own ball and plenty of TV time, so everyone’s a winner. Except Tony Williams.
Winner: Anthony Castonzo
This last slot was reserved for the Pats, who are all alone atop the AFC at 8-2 after yet another “statement win” (at this point, their wins have made more statements than their head coach). In what was supposed to be a Clash of AFC Titans, the Pats dropped the hammer on the Colts, 42-20. Gronk was a beast, Brady was a god and some dude named Jonas Gray had four fucking touchdowns.
Like I said, this was supposed to go to the Pats. But then Anthony Castonzo went ahead and dropped the best TD celebration of the year. What the hell is he even doing? Is he a crab? Does it even matter? The Colts may have lost, but Castonzo gave hope to big guys everywhere, which makes him a winner in my book.