Look, I’ll be the first to admit that Columbus Day is a bogus holiday. But every once in a while, Mr. 1492’s ineptitude comes in handy – like when it provides an easy transition to a struggling writer.
To wit: After a wild Sunday in the NFL, we discovered plenty of things: The Dallas Cowboys are pretty good, Aaron Rodgers is an actual magician and Cleveland is a lot better than Pittsburgh. Then, there’s the stuff we already knew – like Joe Flacco is still a good quarterback, Dan Snyder is a racist and tie games are the worst.
Thanks, Chris. Today, I shall buy a 55-inch Samsung Curved LED TV in your honor. Quick, before all the Columbus Day sales are over, let’s get to the Winners and Losers from Week 6.
Winner: Still Cool Joe Flacco
In his annual reminder that he is, in fact, still a Super Bowl-winning quarterback, Joe Flacco impressed us all in a matter of 16 minutes. He threw four touchdown passes in the first quarter, putting the Ravens up 28-0 on the shell-shocked Buccaneers. Then, less than a minute into the second quarter, Flacco heaved a 56-yarder to angry young man Steve Smith Sr.
Flacco basically laid up from there, but a 5-TD, 300-yard day is pretty solid work. He also set a career high for touchdown passes in a game, and broke Ben Roethlisberger’s mark for the fastest 5 TD game since the AFL-NFL merger.
Losers: Oakland Raiders Fans
The rivalry between the Chargers and Raiders reached junior-high levels on Sunday, when Raiders fans gathered before the game to throw eggs at the Chargers’ team bus.
Despite the trauma of having to ride on a bus covered in egg, San Diego was able scramble their division foes 31-28. But it was anything but over-easy, as Oakland came to play for new head coach Tony Sparano – too bad the only thing worth remembering from this game are those damn Raider fans.
— Jennifer (@JMichy) October 12, 2014
Winner: Moral Victories!
The lightweight Dolphins and Jets went toe-to-toe with their heavyweight opponents on Sunday, and while neither scored a knockout, they both fared better than expected.
Despite Julius Thomas’ claims, both the Jets and Dolphins were close to snagging wins yesterday. The Jets had a chance to tie the game with just under a minute left before Geno Smith threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown. Meanwhile in Miami, the Dolphins had a 4-point lead over the Packers before Aaron Rodgers went God Mode and threw the game-winning TD with 3 seconds left to play. Just prior to that TD, Rodgers pulled a Marino in Miami by executing a perfect fake snap. Good job, good effort, Jets and Dolphins.
Loser: The Bengals, Panthers and Everyone Else
After an entire four quarters of football, the Carolina Panthers and Cincinnati Bengals headed into overtime all tied up at 37. As exciting as that sounds, it was actually the preamble to yet another scoreless overtime session that resulted in a boring tie. Some people in Seattle actually had to wait until this game finished before they could watch their Seahawks play, which wasn’t until the end of the second quarter.
Players should be required to have orange slices and juice boxes immediately following a game like this, because ties are for Pop Warner football. If Roger Goodell really wants to win over the hearts and souls of America, he will put an end to tie games once and for all. How? Don’t ask me, man, it’s Columbus Day. Anyway, this .GIF is officially the only good thing to come out of that waste of a game:
Winner: The Dallas Cowboys
America’s Team made a statement against the defending Super Bowl champs, knocking off the Seahawks 30-23. The Cowboys are a good (possibly great) team, and even though the scoreboard didn’t exactly reflect it, they absolutely dominated the Legion of Boom, recording 401 yards compared to the Seattle’s 206.
Dallas was impressive all over the field, from their stout defense to momentum-changing plays from Tony Romo, Terrance Williams and Dez Bryant. Despite all that, the game ball goes to DeMarco Murray who, behind his brick wall of an offensive line, has now rushed for 100 or more yards in six consecutive games (and did so against the number one rushing defense in the NFL). Finally, we must truly ask ourselves without a sniff of sarcasm or cynicism – How ’bout them Cowboys?
Loser: Dan Snyder
Hey look, everyone! Dan Snyder has a Native American friend!
Trump Trashes Electric Vehicles Standing in Front of GOP Governor Who Supports Them
Priscilla Presley Disputes ‘Invalid’ Amendment to Lisa Marie’s Trust
Eight Women Say the Same Man Raped or Assaulted Them. Now They’re Out for Justice
Trump's Killing Spree: The Inside Story of His Race to Execute Every Prisoner He Could
In his latest stunt to prove that his team’s name isn’t racist, Washington’s owner invited the President of the Navajo Nation to join him in his press box and threw in a couple of Redskins hats on them to sweeten the deal. In his pathetic attempt to fool anyone, Snyder failed to recognize that, according to Deadspin, this man has already been voted out of office by his people because of – you guessed it – his affiliation with Dan Snyder. That’s a level of obliviousness that should be studied by science.
— Lana Berry (@Lana) October 12, 2014