The NFL fined Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning $8,268 on Thursday for a penalty he received during the team’s last preseason game, after he got in the face of the Texans’ D.J. Swearinger and told him, rather matter-of-factly, “Fuck you.”
It was the first unsportsmanlike conduct penalty the cool-headed QB had received in his 16-year career, and given that it came just one play after Swearinger laid out Broncos receiver Wes Welker, well, Peyton wasn’t exactly apologetic, telling ESPN’s Chris Mortensen that the fine was “money well spent.”
To be honest, if Mort didn’t ask him about it, we doubt Manning even would have noticed the fine: For a guy that’s set to make $17.5 million against the cap this season, that breaks down to less than one percent per game. And if Peyton were to spread the $8,268 out over the life of his career, that means it would only cost him a mere $31.44 per game, including the playoffs.
You can’t even take a date to see Guardians of the Galaxy in 3-D for that.
Sadly, most of us aren’t Hall of Fame quarterbacks. For most Americans, Manning’s fine represents a pretty deep drop in the bucket. In fact, here’s what you could get for $8,268.
551 trips to see Guardians of the Galaxy in 3-D
Since it was brought up earlier, I might as well mention that if you go to see the hit of the summer by yourself (and manage to find a $15 matinee showing), then you’ll get 551 chances to watch Chris Pratt and Baby Groot (everybody loves Baby Groot!)
If you bring a date, that’s only 275 trips. Of course, after you throw in popcorn, candy, drinks and nachos, that number’s more like 12.
486 large, two-topping Papa John’s pizzas
You can grab a large, two-topping pizza from PJ’s right now for $10, because football season is kicking off. But anyone that’s ever ordered a pizza online knows that somehow, that shit starts adding up really quick. “Hey, I’m broke right now but a $10 pizza could feed me for two meals – three if it’s my cheat day!” And then all of a sudden you’re filling out an order on the Papa John’s website and delivery and taxes are added before you even get to the tip.
So assuming you’re going to end up with a tab of roughly $17 per pizza, you might get away with 486 large two-toppers this weekend. Not bad, but still is a far cry from two million free ones.
330 7-oz Beef Wellington steaks from Omaha Steaks
At $99.99 for a four-pack of these babies, you’re gonna be eating well this season. Plus, imagine the joy you’ll feel when you bite into a “rapid roast individual Beef Wellington” just as Manning shouts “Omaha” as he steps to the line.
4 Super Bowl tickets
Give or take a few bucks, and depending on your haggling skills, Super Bowl tickets can be had for roughly $2,000 apiece. For $8,268, you might be able to get away with four tickets, but you’re going to need airplane tickets and a hotel room during the big weekend, too, which means you might be lucky to get two people into the most overpriced event since Cirque du Soleil.
So if the Broncos and Giants end up getting knocked out of Super Bowl contention, that means Peyton, Eli and Archie can all go together comfortably. Sorry Cooper, someone needs to stay home and watch the cat.
1.6 Super Bowl rings
According to Forbes, the NFL is willing to dole out $5,000 for 70 rings to the champs, though it’s up to the team to cover the rest of the cost. As Manning surely remembers, the Seahawks received those rings last year and they were beautiful. To look directly into one of them, with more than 100 diamonds set in each, you’d look as stunned as Manning did on the first play of Super Bowl XLVIII.
As a matter of fact, you could almost say that at this point, with three Super Bowl appearances and only one win, Manning has just about 1 and 3/5ths of a ring anyway.