The NFL came down hard on New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for his role in Deflategate, suspending him without pay for four games and fining his team $1 million and a first round draft pick. After the Wells Report on Deflategate was unveiled, The Daily Show took aim at Brady. “The other night, we mentioned Tom Brady. I believe I called him ‘cheating fuck,’” Jon Stewart said Tuesday night. “Well, now it’s payback.”
While there was no hard evidence Brady cheated, Stewart feels Brady got what he deserved, even if the quarterback’s suspension is just another word for “vacation.” “Four games! Without pay! And at his age, maybe the break will help preserve his career and he’ll probably spend that time on the beach with the family he loves,” Stewart says before cutting to a photo of Brady, on the beach, with supermodel wife Gisele Bündchen. “Fuck! It’s not even a punishment! He wins again! He always wins.”
Stewart instead suggests an alternative punishment. “[The NFL] should have sentenced him to hard labor, a few months cracking rocks in a Southie prison gang,” but even that hard labor “would cut his abs like diamonds.” “Alright, no prison, let’s cast him out of our society to wander in rags, a bearded pariah to send a message, ‘We shall not tolerate as a nation the deflation of our sacred balls,'” Stewart says before calling Brady “Muscle Jesus.”
In the end, the Daily Show host remembers Brady does have one Achilles’ heel: Eli Manning, the New York Giants quarterback who twice defeated Brady’s Patriots in the Super Bowl despite being underdogs.