Tom Brady may not be undefeated anymore, but that won’t stop Amy Schumer from fantasizing about him.
Last month, Brady was named one of GQ’s Men of the Year, and because it’s such a big deal, they broke the rules by bringing Schumer in to break down her (oddly specific) fantasies involving the Pats’ QB and the other men honored by the mag. That covered a number of bases, from smoking cigars and drinking scotch with Barack Obama to doing anal – and only anal – with Bradley Cooper. But none of her fantasies were quite as detailed as the one involving Brady.
Here’s how Schumer’s fantasy with the best quarterback in the game goes: After being picked up by Brady in his expensive car and having to listen to some “dogshit on the radio that he likes,” she asks him what the deal is with his wife, Gisele Bundchen. That’s when he professes his secret love for Schumer, which causes her to make a mess on his seats and bolt from the vehicle.
“[Brady] pulls over and takes my hand and looks in my eyes and says: I didn’t invite her because I wanted to be alone with you,” Schumer writes. “Yes, she is beautiful and the mother of my children, but you are smart and funny and I’ve been waiting to have sex with someone with a real body, a real ass, who has lots of bad angles depending on the lighting, and I want to be with you and not that supermodel who does yoga on the beach a lot.”
Schumer also fantasizes about another athlete on GQ‘s list, reigning NBA MVP Stephen Curry. While her fantasy with the Warriors superstar isn’t nearly as graphic — it involves dinosaurs and some PG-rated spooning — it is just as specific as her dream date with Brady.
“I ask him who he is. He tells me – I think it’s basketball. He asks who I am. I tell him, Chelsea Handler. Then we spoon and watch The Land Before Time. Why that? How about it’s none of your business what we do!!!”