Welcome to the first installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our weekly countdown of pop-culture’s power players.
From the music and memes we can’t live without to the TV moments that shook us to our very core (emotionally, we’re very fragile), these are the week’s most important influencers — the pop-cult comestibles that will sustain us for the forseeable future, or at least until next Tuesday, when we’ll undoubtedly have moved on to something else.
Using a highly scientific process, we’ve whittled down a list of hundreds of potential suggestions to this week’s Top 20. Somehow, we avoided a single Kardashian, though we did manage to include a fish that digested a dildo. It’s called the Everything Index for a reason, folks.
1. Poison: Obviously, rank much lower if you still haven’t seen Sunday’s “Game of Thrones.”
3. Bubba Watson: Like Shooter McGavin’s Southern, frat-boy cousin, the two-time Masters champ is the swaggering villain golf has been waiting for. Also, he owns a hovercraft.
4. Nas’s Illmatic XX: Twenty years later, it’s still the rap debut against which all others are measured. The deluxe anniversary reissue includes a second disc of rare remixes, demos and freestyles, plus a flash drive to hold your feelings of age-induced sadness.
5. Dancing Leonardo DiCaprio at Coachella: May or may not actually be Leo, still more entertaining than all six hours of The Wolf of Wall Street.
6. The “Blood Moon” Apocalypse: If the lunar eclipse really does bring about the end of the world, it will definitely be ranked higher next week.
7. Manny Pacquiao’s Mom: Her ultra-enthusiastic praying carried Pac-Man to the WBO welterweight title. Imagine what she could do for your immoral soul.
8. Orphan Black: The best show you’re not watching. Unless you are. Though, come to think of it, maybe that’s one of your clones?
9. Denitia and Sene’s “Divided:” Coital, iceberg-cold R&B from a Brooklyn duo smart enough to know that even though it’s spring in New York, you should always bring a jacket.
10. Canter’s Deli: If it’s good enough for California Don Draper, it’s good enough for us.
12. Kids Today: Befuddled by a Sony Walkman. As if the concept of a portable cassette player is somehow more ridiculous than being named “Krischelle.”
14. Kristen on The Real Housewives of New York City: A beacon of reason amidst a sea of unhinged burlesque performances, insane “image consultants” and artificial limbs.
15. Hamilton Leithauser’s Black Hours: The perfect soundtrack to those nights when you’re alone with the ghosts of your mistakes and a bottle of Scotch. Recommended if you like shame, regret, waking up on the bathroom floor.
16. “The Art of Leadership:” New exhibit showcases George W. Bush’s portraits of world leaders. As a painter, W. makes a really good president.
17. Only Lovers Left Alive: Jim Jarmusch’s best film starring the undead since Broken Flowers.
18. Fargo: Sublime expansion of the Coen Brothers’ canon begins Tuesday night at 10 p.m. Your nightmares involving Billy Bob Thornton begin at 11.
19. Iron Reagan’s Spoiled Identity EP: Thirteen furious songs in less than five minutes. As if you’ve got anything better to do with yout time.
20. Poison: Obviously, rank much higher if you’re seeing Bret Michaels perform at the Hard Rock Cafe’s “Sing for Your Supper” tax day event. Free entrées!