Welcome to the Rolling Stone Everything Index, where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, movers and shakers…whether they like it or not.
In our latest installment, we’ve got the triumphant (and possibly racist) return of Taylor Swift, some advance love for the Emmys and the VMAs and an app that will make you think twice about makeup. Oh, and we offer definitive proof that we are terrible people. Read on for our picks, and just ignore that knocking on your door; it’s 2014, cops just kick it in now.
1. Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off:” TayTay dismisses the haters, displays above-average dance moves on surprise new single. Of course, it’s also apparently racist, because how else would you expect the Internet to react?
2. The Police State: Summer may be coming to an end, but No-Knock Warrant season goes all year long.
4. Gerard Way’s “No Shows:” Former MCR frontman goes solo with swooning single, weird new video. It may be a departure from his previous band, but like always, his hair looks phenomenal.
5. The Ice Bucket Challenge: We’re conflicted. On one hand, it’s for a good cause. On the other, it’s supremely annoying. That makes us terrible people, but also, dry.
6. Gene Simmons: KISS hairpiece was only kidding when he suggested those suffering from depression should commit suicide. Because if there’s one thing a depressive enjoys, it’s a good laugh.
7. The MTV Video Music Awards: Who will win the coveted “Taco Bell Live Mas Artist to Watch Award?” How long will we be able to watch before feeling unspeakably old? Find out Sunday!
8. Barely Legal Pawn: Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul and Julia Louis-Dreyfus team up in a new video to hype the Emmys. If this were an actual show, we’d definitely watch it.
9. Lego Thieves: Cops crack down on building-block theft in New York and Arizona. Turns out all they had to do was lay a bunch of Legos on the ground and wait for the thieves to step on them.
10. Makeup Genius: If you ever wondered what you’d look like as a Drag Queen who had permanent makeup treatments in South America, L’Oreal’s new app is for you!