Welcome back to the Rolling Stone “Everything Index,” our weekly guide to pop-culture’s rule breakers, deal makers, movers and shakers.
Using advanced algorithms and a few coin flips, we’ve determined the Top 20 moments, memes and music that will define the next seven days. That means Peggy Olson, Preakness Bro, Paris Hilton and Jimmy Fallon’s pecs. Plus a celebrity bro-down for the ages. Here’s our fearless forecast of the week ahead. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to hide from the new Lemonheads mascot.
1. Macklemore: Not anti-Semitic. Definitely pro-Ringo, however, which is equally troubling.
2. Brad and Matt’s Celebrity Beer Down: Brad Pitt chucks beers to neighbor Matthew McConaughey in totally random, not-at-all-staged photo op. All our neighbor ever throws at us is dog poop.
3. Peggy Olson: Mad Men‘s moral compass turns 30, has existential crisis, still manages to rein in Don. Also somehow succeeds in making Burger Chef look appetizing.
4. The Black Keys/Jack White Feud: Put on the back burner after Patrick Carney shifts the blame to TMZ. C’mon guys, have the Real Housewives taught you nothing?
5. Preakness Bro: He’s aggro. He’s articulate. He’s writing a book, bitch.
6. Solange: Presumably still salty. Last Week: #2
7. Chipotle’s Assault-Rifle Ban: Burrito depot kindly asks customers to leave guns at home. For those keeping score, that’s Chipotle 1, Congress 0.
9. KimYe: Are they married yet?
10. Ursula Parker: 10-year-old actress is currently stealing scenes on Louie, and, after last night’s episode, now we know she can play the violin, too. Makes our cousin Maisy look like a lazy piece of shit.
12. The Curse of Chief Seattle: Once again, the former Seattle Supersonics (now Oklahoma City Thunder) suffer catastrophic playoff injury, putting championship dreams in doubt. Never fuck with Sealth.
13. M.I.A.’s “Double Bubble Trouble” Video: You’ll never believe it, but it’s shocking!
14. Open Relationships: Dude’s polyamorous plan backfires when his GF starts getting more action than him. He decries it to be “way unfair,” looks for an out while all of Internet laughs. Like Seinfeld 2000, only actually funny.
15. Lemonheads: Evan Dando’s favorite candy gets a nightmare-inducing makeover, complete with new mascot who looks like he’s got Hydrocephalus. Kill it before it breeds!
16. The West Antarctic Ice Sheet: Still dooming us all. Last Week: #11
17. Paris Hilton: America’s foremost heiress/Cash Money employee reportedly leaves Justin Bieber’s house party because it “was lame.” Duh, Justin’s only 20, he can’t even buy beer yet.
18. Ryan Gosling’s Lost River: The Gos’s directorial debut alternately praised, slammed at Cannes. One critic called it a “crapocalypse,” which we always thought was the tagline for the new Transformers flick.
20. Tom Petty Playing Fenway Park: Can he also be Boston’s new centerfielder?