American manhood has always been celebrated and measured, for good and bad, on a large scale: Big hits on the football field, big deals in the boardroom, big anxiety over one’s ability to live up to such standards of masculinity that are enormously absurd anyway. But a new competition is taking American manliness back for the little guy: The Smallest Penis Pageant, which was recently held in Brooklyn.
Rolling Stone was on hand to size up the competition and capture the outrageous, electrifying proceedings. Now in its third year, the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant was founded by Aimee Arciuolo, manager of Brooklyn’s Kings County Bar where the competition occurred.
“One day, I happened to take a gentleman home and he had the smallest penis I had ever seen,”Arciuolo tells Rolling Stone. “And basically that man worked so hard for my pleasure that I remember telling my friends about it the next day, saying, ‘We should throw a pageant for these guys, they work much harder than guys that are well hung.'”
Among this year’s competitors is Rip Van Dinkle, who read about a prior pageant and entered after realizing he both had a small penis and had never been to Brooklyn. The Puzzle Master is a returning contestant, who came up short last year, but hopes his phallic-friendly rendition of the “Goldfinger” theme — aptly renamed “Gold-dinger” — will earn him the crown.
The contest itself was divided into three categories — formal wear, swimwear and a talent show — and it’s all hilariously bawdy, over-the-top and even inspiring. “America needs more orgies,” bellowed one contest named Cromwell. “In that room I saw white people, I saw black people, I saw Asians, Hispanics, I saw everybody sucking each other off and it was the most beautiful picture of racial harmony I have ever seen!”
While Cromwell’s heartwarming portrait of the American melting pot didn’t win him the title, check out the video above to see which contestants got shafted and who walked away with the crown.