‘Jersey Shore’ Recap: There Are No Quality Guys in Seaside, Jerk
If there was a theme to last night’s episode, it’s that everyone loves to dump on the Situation. Sitch (or Snituation, if last week’s nickname sticks) has slowly been losing his social cache as top dog in the Jersey Shore house. After dropping $100 on a ball toss game with no luck, the Situation buys Pauly D a crotch rocket, which the guys use to ride around the roof, obviously the best place to try out a wobbly, hard-to-control motorbike. So the Sitch is, reasonably, miffed when the guys leave him behind for taking too long to groom himself before dinner. Not to be robbed of a good time, the Situation orders seven meals of his own, whips up a pitcher of god knows what liquid, and proceeds to have an insult-heavy dinner conversation with his imaginary castmates seated around the table. “Why you always crying?” he queries Invisible Ronnie. As in real life, there is no insightful reply.
While Pauly, Vinny and Ronnie use dinner to bad-mouth the Sitch’s attempts to get with Pauly’s ex Gina, so too do Snooki and Deena turn against the man after he secretly tells their cabbie to take them to Times Square. Even when the girls realize they’ve been had (practically at the door of the M&M store), the cabbie refuses to reveal the secret. The difference between this prank and past ones seems to be the girls are sincerely angry. After simmering all the way home, Deena seems to reach a breaking point. If Pauly D and the Sitch’s constant ragging on her suggests anything, it’s that Deena is going to reach several, possibly dozens of breaking points, before the teasing stops. (“You have work, Deena. Get your wiener clean!”) While Snooki eventually admits that the mystery cab was, in fact, a pretty good joke, Deena swears that if these guys rip on her 13 or 14 more times, she’s outta there.
THE TOILET IS STILL BROKEN, PEOPLE. The downstairs toilet remains befouled and broken and as such, we are forced to repeatedly stare into its horrifying depths, captured in loving detail by a cameraman with zero gag reflex and an iron constitution. “Did you take a dump today?” Vinny asks Deena as he contemplates his next move with a toilet snake. From next week’s preview we learn the Toilet returns, growing so horrifying as to necessitate professional intervention. After all his efforts to probe the murky depths prove futile, Vinny can’t help but muse, “I’m usually pretty good at clearing pipes, and laying pipes.” Could there possibly be a less appropriate double entendre to be made? Can we be sure to hear it next week?
Meanwhile, Ronnie’s dad comes to visit. Between his hearty dad-stache and his tendency to call his son “Bro,” Papa Ron actually laid down some pretty solid arguments against Ronnie leaving the house (Sammi is no longer there, the amount of money at stake ˜ the latter point is never said aloud, but the subtext is there). Ronnie decides to stay at the Shore, thereby ensuring Sammi’s eventual return.
After the juicehead of her dreams blows off Snooki’s date-call, JWoww probes her man Roger for answers, only to discover that Snook’s more recent hook-up, Jionni, is cousin to a friend of her gorilla ideal Nick; that friend is also, of course, a Snooki conquest. It is statistical fact that everyone they all sleep with will know each other, but the boys are quick to jump on the you-slut bandwagon. Snooki calls them out after they claim they’re just holding women to higher standards, explaining to Vinny, “There are no quality guys in Seaside, jerk.” Further complicating matters is the drunken attraction that she and Vinny occasionally act on, at least in the form of intense cuddling. Pauly D advises them to engage in a smoosh-fest and get it over with; Vinny begs off, citing Snooki’s late-night adventures, but pretty much setting the stage for the two of them to go hog-wild on each other before the end of the season. Or so one would hope.
Refreshingly, Sammi only returns to the house at the very end of the episode, with just enough time to give us a taste of what we can look forward to. In case you were wondering how long Sammi had been home, a quick pan over to the bouquets of roses Ron set her as an apology suggests her furlough topped out at a couple of days, possibly only 24 hours. It could be twelve, for all we know. When Sammi saunters back into the house and into his life, Ronnie turns on the blender in shock before silently retreating to the roof. So the summer once again rotates from interesting to predictable in its despair, and back again, forever, as long as they both shall live.