Let’s leave this episode’s inevitable Clash of the Titans aside and enjoy the non-Ronnie and Sammi moments the producers dropped into our waiting mouths. Vinny takes Pauly D to Staten Island to meet his adorable “guido circus” of a family, where they fest on cured meats and large bowls of corn. Vinny’s mom is adorable, and seems to have spent the last four days preparing the gigantic meal.
Meanwhile, the Situation is having something of an identity crisis. After riding high on bravado and abs for the past few seasons, the focus on Sammi and Ron has left him desperate, laughing maniacally as he lets JWoww’s pooches loose in the house. The broken toilet having been fixed, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box are allowed to defile every nook and crazy of the house while the Situation watches, practically rubbing his hands together like a goblin. Completely alone in the house, he laughs and mugs and preens for the camera before pretending to be asleep when the others return. You’d think the other JS cast members would hog more attention. The girls later deduce that the Situation let the dogs out after realizing they smell like a combination of body spray, self-tanner and giggles.
Speaking of, after what was probably years of teasing, Vinny breaks down and gets a himself spray tan. Meanwhile, the Situation tenderly applies a white face mask to the broken-out Snooki. “I feel like Vinny,” she pouts. “She looks like the Crow,” Vinny howls. (She looked exactly like the Crow.) In the best moment of the entire episode, Snooki unleashes her inner mime, with the guys shouting out suggestions: pull an invisible rope, get out of that glass box, jerk me off. A water fight breaks out on the roof; Vinny cannot get his tan wet or little Vinnies will pop out from blisters all over his back. Predictably, Deena slips on the Fluffernutter the Situation had earlier smeared on the floor for the dogs. Later, the gang visited an aquarium, and as a viewer I got nervous when they get see to a little penguin out of his tank. First the dogs, now a little silly penguin (which Sammi and Ronnie incorrectly guess is a mammal)…something horrible must be coming for them to woo us with such cuteness.
None of us thought Ronnie and Sammi could be friendly for more than six hours before they toppled once more into the unfathomably deep pit of hopelessness that is their relationship, so the fact that they lasted a week before turning on each other again is really pretty impressive. While they spend the night grinding out at Karma, the Situation conspires once again to have the spotlight back on him, this time for causing massive drama between the already rocky pair.
“Guido Macguyver” Arvin shows the Situation texts proving Sammi, who acknowledged they were friends, told him to come to Karma that night; the Situation sees his opportunity and squeals to everyone. Because the show exists in a world where men and women could never conceivably be platonic friends, the only conclusion is that Sammi must be actively trying to bone him. Arvin, too, seems pretty much dead-set on getting some airtime, which is good because his friendship or possible romance with Sammi is a total bust. As per usual Ronnie turns on a dime, and as always it is terrifying. One second Ronnie’s cooing sweet nothings, the next he’s snarling that he could have “fucked the hottest bitch” if it weren’t for Sammi’s deadweight. Sammi insists that Arvin is only a friend, then shouts Ronnie is an idiot. The unwinnable fight travels back to the house, and out into the galaxy, and on into eternity forever and ever, amen, to be picked up where we left off next week.
Last Week: Down With the Toilet