Last night’s very special Monday episode of Jersey Shore not only lured a viewing audience for the first episode of Skins (which, eh), but finally marked a clear deviation from Sammi & Ron Misery Fest 2010. Questioned again about his infidelities, Ronnie snaps and ends things with an ever-weeping Sam. The sun shone on Seaside Heights that day…for the 8 hours it took until they resumed their ill-advised romance.
Still, it was enough of a distinction from last week’s gloomy ep, which also featured an aborted three-way. After the briefest of discussions and swigs from a Hawaiian Punch bottle, Snooki, Deena and the Situation piled into bed for a three-way. Before the smooshing could commence, however, Snooki sneaked away, leaving the fawning Deena and annoyed Situation to some awkward cuddling. “It’s like someone puts chicken and salt and pepper on the table, then they take away the chicken,” he complained. The almost threesome count for this season might have ratcheted up to 2, but we still have plenty of time. Plenty of time.
Setting her face to “Regret,” Sammi finally apologizes to Snooki and Deena for being the absolute pits. Both girls quickly get over it, while JWoww burps and broods over her lack of apology. “I think she’s afraid of you,” Snooki explains. “She should be,” confirms JWoww.
Despite their collective penchant for getting sloppedy-doppedy, it’s Snooki’s drinking problem that moves to the fore, an impressive feat considering this episode JWoww pees behind the bar at Karma and Deena’s butt repeatedly falls out of her dress at speeds approaching terminal velocity. Trailing Vinny around the house in a near-stupor, Snooki grabs the front of his shorts and begs to see “Seabiscuit.” After he turns her down due to her intoxication, Snooki yelps, “Stop caring and f–k me, man.”
Later at work Snickers alternates between stealing cans of Coors and sauntering into the employee restroom with a beer and a funnel, all while wearing her dress from the night before and frog slippers. Sent out to sober up over a cup of coffee, Snooki feasts on a plate of fried pickles and a Long Island iced tea, finally retiring to a bar where she encourages an elderly couple to take shots of her and each other. Which they do.
Black-out drunk and intent on going swimming despite JWoww and Deena’s increasingly sensible warnings, Snooki careens down the boardwalk and out onto the beach. Almost 6 months after Snooki’s tiny ochre mug shot was splashed all over the internet, we finally get to see the public drunkenness that got her taken to the slammer in late July 2010. It is truly glorious/terrible.
If it was clear last week that the JS members are no longer flying under the radar, the massive crowd lined up to watch Snooki drunkenly face-plant in the burning sand seals the deal. Watching it all go down, you realize that Snooki was put in cuffs not only because her clear intoxication or wild trash-talking of the arresting officers, but because girl was about to start a damn riot.
“I love you, Snooki!” someone in the crowd screams. “You boys are no fun!” Snook admonishes the cops. If the Jersey stars were as hyped then as they were now, or felt themselves motivated to rile up their fans, the scene at the beach might have gone down in a different, much more harrowing way.