Monday’s episode ended with the indelible image of Snooki snarling at a group of police officers, completing her transformation into a Tasmanian devil as she yelled at them to “get the fuck off me.” In a surprising turn of events, her subsequent few hours in the slammer actually precipitate a change in Snook’s behavior — though we can only assume it will last for just this week.
Most of the episode is spent in the dreamy spray-tan haze of girl world, as JWoww and Snooki curl up in the roof-top rocking chairs and discuss Snooki’s black-out situation. Snicks blames her general lack of mans for her tendency to over-indulge. “It’s kind of a disease for Snook to love — it’s worse than a staph infection,” she laments. Snooks decides to cut out drinking, and as a result spends a lot of time sighing heavily, a la vintage Sammi. “Pinot,” though, “is okay — pregnant people do it,” she and JWoww concede.
The club scenes are a nice reminder that when these people go out, it is not a drill. If they’re going to fist-pump, they will fist-pump in a room filled with 300 people exactly like them who can truly beat up the beat. Deena snags a juicebox named Dean who bares an uncanny resemblance to Ronnie. Really, it’s unsettling. Vinny, Pauly and the Situation become giddy with the potential for hijinks, barging in on a sleeping Sammi and Ron in an attempt to switch out Fake Ronnie for the real deal. Later they conspire to write an anonymous note — telling Sammi that her Ron hooked up with Deena. If only they had gone through with it. If we had creative control of this show, we’d have each episode center around a new, more scandalous anonymous note. Sadly we do not, and the guys bail on what would have been an amazing, if somewhat predictable, plot arc. After Dean leaves in the morning, Sammi immediately informs Deena that her jump-off is a taken man, a testament to Sammi’s ability to be a friend when not under the influence of love.
JWoww continues to have screaming match after screaming match with boyfriend Tom, the duck phone’s non-stop quacking ratcheting up the anxiety of their quickly disintegrating relationship. As a solution to both their problems, JWoww has new love interest Roger rustle up a spare juicehead for Snickers, a gorilla so handsome Snicks has a hard time controlling her bodily functions. “I just had a baby in the toilet,” she shouts. The body’s craving for Jager and manmeat is chemically identical, and the sweet scenes of the foursome joyfully scampering around the boardwalk are truly endearing.
Eventually JWoww summons the courage to dump Tom, and the house gathers around to hear her dash his heart upon the rocks. The end of every relationship brings a lot of uncertainty, the most obvious of which is the safety of one’s dogs. JWoww and Snooki book it to the house she shares with him; while they didn’t find the house in cinders or her puppies boiling on the stove, Tom did take their bed, her watch, and what appears to be every scrap of financial information the two shared. That the episode ends with JWoww weeping as she paws through an empty file cabinet is an subtle acknowledgment that, despite their celebrity, they have crumbling relationships, credit card debt and hungry pups they must return to in the end. The party can’t last forever.