As expected, Sammi drops back in to the Shore house, leaving everyone shaken and uneasy – for about three minutes. Snooki’s mug spillith over with joy when she sees Sammi return; Deena is hys-static. When Ronnie spots Sammi, he freezes then flees to the porch. The moment is upsetting; we can essentially sketch the exact future of these two people, but they don’t know it themselves. “You’re pale,” Sammi tells Ronnie. “It’s like I’m seeing a ghost,” he laughs nervously in reply. The rest of the guys groan in recognition. That night at Karma, Ronnie trails behind Sammi like a tiny (but jacked) puppy; Sammi believes Ronnie is reformed, but will make him sweat a little longer. “I love Ron, but our time is not right now,” Sammi says, meaning of course that their time is likely to be sometime next week. The girl already has new glasses; she should keep them in a case.
With the Sam and Ron drama mercifully truncated for now, the episode largely revolves around Snooki’s sweet, drunken love for Vinny, whose massive junk she fondly nicknames “Moby Dick.” “I want to try again!” Snooki pleads, referring not to their emotional connection, of course, but to their attempts to fit their comically mis-matched genitals together. After imploring him to cuddle, the veil is lifted from Snooki’s eyes when she staggers into Vinny’s room late at night only to see him hooking up with another woman. Maybe we’re nostalgic for college, but there’s something terribly sweet about Snooki then hysterically weeping into her crocodile doll. Vinny is surprisingly attentive to Snooki’s teary neediness, but points out they’ve both been hooking up with strangers – it’s kind of their thing. A sober Snooks later apologizes for crying, but you can tell there are real emotions nestled in that poof of hers. The search for the white whale continues.
And the befouled bathroom strikes again! After three episodes spent detailing its lack of maintenance, the broken downstairs toilet had basically replaced the missing Sammi and Ronnie plot line in our heart. (They’re both gut-wrenching and hard-to-watch.) After two long weeks, someone uses the broken toilet again. JWoww finally breaks down and beseeches the plumbers to come, but they can’t make it immediately, it being Sunday, and Sunday being the Lord’s Day. When they finally do arrive, Snooki is instantly attracted to “the fat one.” Which is more important? Talking to a hot chubby guy, or not dying of toilet stench? It’s a toss-up. “I’m surprised you don’t have maggots in here yet,” the lead plumber muses. Hats off to MTV for finally blurring the toilet bowl, because good sweet lord … Eventually the plumbing pair deduce that someone has tried to flush an article of clothing, the name of which is repeatedly bleeped. After a little sleuthing (and scrutinizing JWoww’s mouth movements), we’re of the opinion that the phrase they were censoring was “guinea.” Either way, it’s an interesting contrast to see the ease with which the housemates drop the term, only to have the network deem it a pejorative.
After Sammi’s return, Ronnie and Sammi are downright … normal. It’s unnerving. The pair spends a sober night hanging with Snooki, then conspire to sprinkle various types of soft and hard cheeses between the Situation’s sheets and mattress. Eventually the Situation returns home with a woman, whom he later claims to have rejected because of her distinctly dairy-like odor … after she went down on him of course. “You just got cheesed, you cheesy bastard!” Ronnie yelps. In an unexpectedly charming moment, JWoww desperately explains the need to practice safe sex; who knows what kind of infection would give off such a delicious sharp aroma, she reasons. While it’s nice to know they can just call up a health clinician to confirm that, yes, you can get an STD from oral sex, we wonder what a medical professional would think about the roomful of howling 20-somethings bemoaning the information. Though the Situation’s reaction is beyond staged (would he really kick a beautiful woman out of bed if he thought she smelled like Parmesan? Would any of us?), it is sweet to see Ronnie and Sammi laughing hysterically together as Snooki slips slices of Swiss between the bed linens. It’s times like these they make you forget how completely and utterly rancid the relationship is under the surface. Maybe Sammi and Ronnie have a white undershirt jammed in their pipes too. It might be worth asking those plumbers to take a look.
Last Week: There Are No Quality Guys in Seaside, Jerk