As the season winds down, the need for a story arc and the mental fatigue of staying mostly confined to one shared space (notice how we’ve had very few beach scenes? One panning shot of the massive crowd watching Snooki’s beach arrest explains why) seem to be forcing the worst out of almost everyone. After explaining to Snooki that their relationship is not to be, (“We see you guys every day,”) a drunken Vinny kicks two attractive women out of the house after dubbing them grenades then, jokingly propositioning Snooki in front of the housemates. Vinny quickly explains that he was only kidding, but not before kissing Snooki and air-humping her in the doorway. He grabs her wrist and tells her not to be upset; she does the same thing to him. Snooki goes to bed to soak Crocodilly with even more of her gorilla-related tears.
The gang bids a found farewell to the t-shirt shop: Deena furiously tries to make as many t-shirts as she can for herself, the Situation falls asleep in the dressing room after being “trapped in” by several boxes in front of the door. At the club Pauly D. is pursued by a larger woman who is 60 if she’s a day. Pauly shrieks and scampers onto the back of the booth as if an actual cougar had broken past security and charged into the club. “I’ll be your grenade,” another woman informs him. “You can jump on that.”
After last week’s debacle, Sammi and Ronnie seem to have resolved the Arvin Issue with suspiciously little shouting. Oh, don’t get me wrong; there was more shouting than most people have over the course of an entire relationship, but still. While still maintaining that she was only a friend to her text buddy, Sammi apologizes and admits (accurately) that if a girl had shown up claiming Ron asked her to come, Sammi would have ripped her extensions out. “I got a taste of what she felt in Miami,” Ronnie sagely admits, before discussing their “trust issues.” How surprisingly observant. How naively hopeful. It’s possible to believe for a split-second that, despite the broken glasses and vicious screaming, something good could be formed out of these two flawed individuals’ union.
That is, of course, until two hours later Ronnie’s mother Connie drunk-dials the house to talk about her son’s love life. The inebriated mom call is downright shocking; the show has rarely if ever delved into the cast member’s home life. Since Sammi and Ronnie are seemingly unwilling (for the moment) to kick-start their own destruction, they’ll need a little shove into emotional traffic from the Situation himself. Whether out of incessant prodding from producers or out of his own deep, still well of need, the Situation gets on the phone and tells Ronnie’s mother everything that’s been going on in her son’s love life. He functions as douche ex machina, if you will.
We all know it was only a matter of time before Sammi and Ronnie we savaging each other like wild dogs again, and the mounting horror gets more and more unpleasant as the tense moment’s tick past. “I will rip the phone out of the wall, and you won’t be able to get in touch with me,” Ronnie informs his inebriated mom in an ice-cold tone. If we had any questions about what exactly the hell is wrong with Ronnie, having a mother who drinks to intoxication during the day and talk to his friends for hours on the phone about his girlfriend is certainly a hint. Sammi is enraged by the Situation’s gossiping. Out on the porch the Situation snivels and schemes, claiming that he was only trying to help, finally happy now that the attention of the house is back on him. Remember when lifting his shirt was enough to satisfy his need for eyes upon him? How the mighty have fallen.
JWoww should be a lawyer. Watching her declare “That’s heresay!” when Arvin’s testimony is referenced is the highlight of the episode. “If I knew Tom was going to be there, I’d bring ten Rogers,” she muses about Sammi’s drunk text. As the Situation bends Ronnie’s ear, the threat of violence is so palpable. Eventually the Situation and Sammi get into a screaming match. “I don’t like you,” he tells her. “You’re a shady person,” without a flicker of self-awareness. The end of the episode comes when the Situation calls Arvin and asked if he’s ever hooked up with Sammi. Arvin confirms that they’ve made out in the past, and the audience’s stomach twists as Ronnie visibly slips into a black, violent rage. The finale is going to be gruesome. “Trust no pussy ever,” Vinny recommends, and everyone in America all go to sleep gripped with waves of nausea that have nothing to do with green beer and corned beef.