The Kardashian-Jenner clan and Game of Thrones have surprisingly deep connections. Both are family sagas full of treachery, betrayal and shiny hair. Both are full of power struggles, whether the players are battling to take Winterfell or Miami. Both are dominated by queens who like the men around them to be muscle-bound and obedient. The image might be one unified rich family: House Kardashian.
But in practice, it’s always been more a case of warring tribes, scheming and competing for the Iron Throne of Overexposure — a feast for clicks. Each Kardashian is a player in a game of thrones, where all men must die (or run screaming for the exit). So here’s a handy guide to the Kardashian-Jenner clan, with their GoT counterparts. For the watch!
The Kardashian-Jenner clan’s momager is the ruthless leader who has built her family empire into a house to be feared. Thanks to her, the name makes people tremble in terror around the world. She runs her grown children’s lives, giving them tantalizing tastes of power now and then, but never letting them forget who’s still the boss around here. And she has instructed her daughters in the family’s code of honor: A Kardashian always gets her close-ups.
The main attraction, the star who gets all the best scenes, the one you’d always rather be watching. Like Tyrion, Kim overcame some early setbacks (in her case, a Ray J sex tape) and a brief teen marriage that nobody likes to talk about. Yet she’s always clashing with her tyrannical parent — or as Kim puts it, “I love u mom but no more pilgrim adams family outfits. You have exhausted this look.” When Kim sent Kris that fateful email urging her to step up her fashion game — “we need chic, tights dresses not this omish [sic] shit anymore” — it was every bit as shocking as if Kim had shot an arrow through her heart in the bathroom. But like it or not, she’s her mother’s daughter through and through.
The underdog heroine, completely disregarded and disrespected by her family, until she blossoms into the Khaleesi. It’s inspirational to root for her as she becomes the woman nobody ever expected her to be. Who was the Ser Jorah Mormont who taught Caitlyn Stormborn to believe in herself and not give up? Probably Suzy, the monkey who went to the playground with the former Bruce Jenner back in Season Three.
Tyrion put it best: “You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That and your cheekbones.” Kourtney is obviously much smarter and sweeter than Cersei. Yet they both make some dubious choices when it comes to the men who provide the sperm.
The wildling. Louder and more commanding than anyone else, Khloe’s the unruly fan fave who feels like a misfit and an outsider. Definitely the one you wouldn’t want to tangle with.
The jolly patriarch, with sketchy taste in friends. Like the other King Robert, he exited the mortal realm before he had a chance to see all the insanity he bequeathed.
What a dick. Like Viserys, Scott never realized everybody was laughing at him, strutting around in his suspenders-and-stubble finery while demanding to be called Lord Disick. (Can you believe that cad missed his daughter Penelope’s birthday party at Disneyland? Ah yes, you probably can.) Unfortunately, the Lord failed to realize he had no power base of his own. At this point it looks like even Kourtney has finally gotten sick of him and golden-crowned him out of her life. He was no dragon!
So hot, so dim. One of the many gold medalists in the Kim Knows How To Pick ‘Em Olympics, this doe-eyed but slow-witted NBA star fell madly in love with Kim, married her, and only then realized, “Whoa, this chick has a reality show! Starring her whole family! Life as I know it has been replaced by a 24/7 media-circus hellhole!” The wedding was a ratings blockbuster. The marriage lasted 72 days. You know nothing, Kris Humphries.
The problem child. We should have known when he became a high-end sock designer, which is up there with decapitating Ned Stark on the cry-for-help scale.
He’s got a bad reputation, a walk around always mad reputation, leave a Sand Snake sad reputation, start a fight club Brad reputation. Kanye is clearly the Red Viper of this saga, the smooth prince who swaggers into the story knowing he’s the coolest one here. Like Obereezus, Kanye has a taste for fine clothes, fine ladies, and talking himself into trouble. He’s always game for trial by combat; tragically, he doesn’t always realize when it’s time to shut up and get the job done. When a Red Viper hold you down, you supposed to drown!
The rebellious teen, i.e. the one who dyes her hair blue for Kim and Kanye’s wedding. Like Arya, Kylie is studying the Game of Faces — like with those new lips.
Does she want to be a queen? No, she wants to be the queen. Batting her eyes with a mix of come-hither sass and strategic cunning, she plays the game of an up-and-coming royal, though her family ties can only take her so far. She’s always tried to emulate the crafty matriarch in her life, who tutors her in the secrets of power, as opposed to her father, who makes her roll her eyes. When Kris warned her money doesn’t grow on trees, Kendall was there with the immortal reply: “Yes, it does. It’s paper.”
The cocky son who yearns for authority of his own, yet can never escape the shadow of his family. He was the Kingslayer on The Hills, or at least a heartbreaker. But after he broke up with best bro Spencer Pratt, he hosted a new MTV show called Bromance, where a house full of dudes competed to be Brody’s new BFF. In retrospect, this was his severed-hand moment. His attempted E! comeback show this summer — the new Sex With Brody — has gotten totally blindsided by the Caitlyn juggernaut.
An elite sworn brotherhood of brave men bound by a blood oath — to fulfill the sexual needs of the Kardashian sisters, at any cost, for this night and all the nights to come.
And now his watch has ended.
He has magic powers. Or at least the power to drop out of the story at key moments.
The master storytellers behind the scenes — one the E! impresario who created the Kardashian franchise, the other a lavishly bearded TV writer who hit the fantasy-saga literary jackpot. At heart, these guys are both cold-blooded show-biz pros who know how to punch their audience’s buttons — the main difference being that Seacrest has a hustler’s respect for deadlines, while Martin has a hippie’s respect for surprises. Prediction: One of these guys will roll out of bed before noon tomorrow, and it won’t be Double R.