Donkey-Dick Defendant Court Transcript: 10 Greatest Lines
“If you’re not going to suck my dick, sir, I don’t want to be here,” the inmate says to the court. “OK. I’ve enjoyed this,” the judge responds.
Thus concluded murder suspect Denver Fenton Allen’s actual, real-life pre-trial hearing in a Georgia courtroom last week, which was brought to the public’s attention by law blogger Keith Lee. What began as an oral motion in front of Judge Bryant Durham to dismiss his court-appointed attorney quickly devolved into a perfect comedy routine – or an offensive disregard for court order, depending on how you look at it – perhaps the only time on record that a defendant has been informed of his “constitutional right to be a dumbass.”
Allen, who is charged with beating a fellow county-jail inmate to death in 2015, had alleged to the court that his lawyer demanded oral sex and was withholding documents — crime scene photos, the coroner’s report — that he was legally entitled to see. “I’ve seen other people go to trial on murder charges,” he says. “I’ve seen what you’re supposed to get.” Judge Durham, it seems, did not care. Allen was told that he would have the appointed public defender or none at all. “You don’t know anything about representing a jury, do you?” he asks. “Do you know anything about cross-examining witnesses?… Do you know anything about criminal procedure?” Allen does not. “I know I don’t have to let this guy suck my dick to get some legal representation,” he replied.
So begins the greatest exchange in the history of American criminal justice.
“You know something, this is going to be an interesting trial.”
After the initial “go fuck yourself” from Mr. Allen, the court holds him in contempt, adding an additional 20 days in jail for every outburst. “Forty days,” says the judge. “Fuck you again.” “Sixty.” “Go fuck yourself.” “A year.” “Your mamma.” “Ten years.” “Suck my dick.” The defendant not only demonstrates how to actually give zero fucks, but proves what we all knew in middle school: that “Your mamma” is the best comeback, no matter the situation.
“I don’t think that’s going to get you a fair trial unless you have every one of the jurors do it.”
While Allen may care little about courtroom civility, he certainly wants a fair trial. So he offers what any reasonable person accused of murder might suggest: to let the presiding judge perform fellatio on his “big old donkey dick.” Durham, for his part, just wants to help, and says that he would probably have a better chance at an impartial hearing if he extended the offer to the jury. He was obviously elected for his overwhelming sense of fairness.