Sure, the fact that Apple is releasing a smartwatch — a technology only previously rivaled by those sweet Casio calculator watches from the Eighties — is kind of, sort of exciting. (Didn’t clocks on smartphones already relegate any and all wristwatches to the fashion bin?) Come September 9th, the real thrill — for those who don’t think the future is going to look like a Jetsons episode — is the promise of a new iPhone. (There will probably be two, actually, with Apple introducing a duo of size options.)
Most likely to be rolled out as the iPhone 6 line, Apple’s latest is so hotly anticipated people are actually paying other human beings to hold spots in line. The phone itself promises to boast a stable of new features. Rumors are rampant, but what do iPhoners really want? Here’s a non-exhaustive, totally subjective rundown:
Harry Styles Grammys Dancers Say Set Malfunction Forced Them to ‘Reverse’ Performance Live
Pink Floyd Lyricist Calls Roger Waters ‘Putin Apologist' and ‘Lip-Synching' Misogynist
Kelly Clarkson Rivals Adele's Vocals in New ‘Set Fire to the Rain’ Cover
Well, Trump Is Now Suggesting Ron DeSantis Is a Pedophile
A Better Battery, Please
As rival Samsung terms it, iPhone users are “wall huggers,” constantly in search of the next charge. Been a slave to the outlets at LaGuardia? Ever tried to live-tweet…anything? How about asking a bartender to juice you up in the middle of an argument with a significant other? You know the depths of iPhone battery misery. You feel it in your soul. The people demand a better battery. (Or, at least, an interchangeable one.)
Toughen It Up
Certainly, Apple’s robust bottom line isn’t hurt by the fact that every few seconds — yep, you just heard one smash on a sidewalk nearby — someone cracks his or her iPhone screen. The company smartly coupled its 5c with an eye-catching case rollout, but many protective sarcophagi can be unwieldy and obscure the iPhone’s gorgeous design. Enter reports of a sapphire screen, which approaches diamond/Cristiano Ronaldo abs hardness.
It looks like this one is a shoo-in. Pay your buddy back for a ticket to the game or even shop for a new wardrobe on Fifth Avenue: Apple is set to roll out near-field communication. Known as NFC — and not to be confused with one of the major pigskin divisions — the technology will allow payments in an increasingly cashless world. PayPal and Venmo check your diapers: Word is Amex, Visa and MasterCard are on board.
A Mean Screen
This slot does not just read “a bigger screen” for a reason. If Apple isn’t careful, this week could just be akin to Fonzie jumping a shark — while calling Richie on his Brobdingnagian iPhone. As the Times reports, Apple will be offering two screen sizes for this new phone, at 4.7 and 5.5 inches (when measured diagonally). That seems reasonable — the Galaxy 5 clocks in at 5.1 — but we are approaching Zack Morris territory with the size of these things. As lines blur between the iPhone and iPad, Apple would do well to remember that size matters.
The new phones are supposed to come correct with a brand spankin’ new operating system, iOS 8. There will almost certainly be a few bugs, but the latest models will no doubt work best with the latest software. And from the looks of it, clean and flat design is here to stay.
There’s talk of a HealthKit system, which was designed with the Mayo Clinic and can track your internals. It will almost certainly convince you of your imminent death even better than WebMD ever could.