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From Tracy Morgan to Joan Rivers, these wise guys and gals crack us up with their tweets
By some estimates, there are nearly 300 million users on Twitter – and almost all of them think they're comedians. But these 25 comics, writers and actors turn the 140-character one-liner into an artform.
By Brian Raftery
George Pimentel/WireImage
Day jobs: Stand-up comic, columnist
Pet topics: His penis; other people's boobs; Mitt Romney.
Primo Tweet: "Drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade is a chill, low key way to let your fellow partiers know you've got herpes."
Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images
Day job: TV host
Pet topics: Politics; science; Stephen Colbert
Primo Tweet: "If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry."
Neilson Barnard/Getty Images for Amnesty International
Day job: Stand-up, actress, writer
Pet topics: Sheldon Adelson; abortion rights; vaginas
Primo Tweet: "Doing whatever I want, whenever I want, is just 1 of the great things about being single & barren."
Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for WGAw
Day job: Stand-up, actor, author
Pet topics: touring life; politics; every movie, song or TV show ever made
Primo Tweet: "Best way to protest hate-chicken is to open a pro-gay chicken franchise. Name? Chik-fil-HAAAAAAAAY. *snap*"
Theo Wargo/Getty Images
Day job: Stand-up, 30 Rock star
Pet topics: Shark tanks; general Tracy-craziness
Primo Tweet: "I'm trying to sell a case of Chuck Norris chest hairs on the black market."
Aby Baker/Getty Images
Day Job: Girls creator
Pet topics: Taylor Swift, the Williams sisters, working on Girls
Primo tweet: "My version of Contagion would be if all my twitter drafts were accidentally released in one fell swoop"
Charles Sykes/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images
Day job: Stand-up, TV host, author
Pet topics: Celebrities; this crazy weather
Primo Tweet: "This heat wave is getting out of hand. Today I'm just going to stay inside all day farting in hopes I catch a breeze."
John Sciulli/WireImage
Day job: TV writer
Pet topics: Parenting; Los Angeles; Channing Tatum
Primo Tweet: "British men call women 'Birds' because in the UK girls poop on cars."
Day job: Graphic designer, 'zine legend
Pet topics: Bad Netflix choices, fake bands
Primo Tweet: "Twitter Idea Graveyard: 'Who's on First?'-style commercial for stoner lawyer named Saul Goodbraugh"
Courtesy of Julieanne Smolinski
Day job: Columnist, blogger
Pet topics: The single life; anthropomorphized dolphins; current events
Primo Tweet: "I think 'Do Me' shoes should come with a deployable 'Not You!!!!!' squirting scent pouch."
Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Hoodie Awards
Day job: Stand-up, actor
Pet topics: Current events; touring life; lots of random shout-outs
Primo Tweet: "Shout out to the whole kit. Kaboodle's an asshole."
Courtesy of Tom Scharpling
Day job: Radio host, TV writer
Pet topics: Rock music; hallucinatory Starbucks encounters
Primo Tweet: "Now he's on his cell, saying something about teachers. Hard to understand with all the taffy in his mouth. #GovChristieStarbucks"
Cindy Ord/Getty Images
Day job: Actor, author, stand-up
Pet topics: Masturbation; cats
Primo Tweet: "Do waves ever get bored?"
Bobby Bank/WireImage
Day jobs: Stand-up, TV writer
Pet topics: Naps, Breaking Bad
Primo Tweet: "If you don't think drinking gives you added confidence, you should see the shorts I ordered online at 3am."
Day job: Stand-up
Pet topics: Current events, celeb stupidity
Primo Tweet: "CELEBRITY SIGHTING: the cloverfield monster at el cholo with markie post. are they back together? ps: TOTAL WIG!"
Christopher Polk/Getty Images
Day job: Stand-up, TV writer
Pet topics: Basketball, rap feuds
Primo Tweet: "thank g manic depression isn't sexually transmitted"
Courtesy of Mudflap
Day job: Unknown
Pet topics: Office life, butts
Primo Tweet: "Is it illegal to tuck a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows under the exposed thong strap of a girl you don't know? Im not asking for a friend."
Courtesy of WME
Day job: Writer
Pet topics: Celeb stupidity, her basset hound
Primo Tweet: "There should be a warning label on those straw cowgirl hats middle-aged women wear on vacation that reads: 'Will cause freckled cleavage.'"
Paul Zimmerman/Getty Images
Day job: Stand-up, actor
Pet topics: Fatherhood, food
Primo Tweet: "Turns out butterflies don't even taste like butter."
Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for CBGB Festival
Day jobs: Drummer (Superchunk, Mountain Goats, Bob Mould)
Pet topics: Insomnia, touring, classic rock
Primo Tweet: "Everybody's heard Aerosmith's 'Night In The Ruts' LP but Foghat's 'Cunched in the Punt' is all but forgotten."
Day job: TV writer
Pet topics: Sexual tension, drugs
Primo Tweet: "There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house"
Chris Haston/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank
Day job: Saturday Night Live writer
Pet topics: Politics, cats, mid-air flaulence
Primo Tweet: "Good night and remember that life is short unless you're behind someone returning a wine rack at Marshalls."
Barry Brecheisen/WireImage
Day job: Stand-up, writer, director
Pet topics: Politics, race
Primo Tweet: "White people are never faker/sweeter than when they say hello to a cleaning lady."
Kevin Mazur/VF1/WireImage
Day job: Family Guy writer-producer
Pet topics: Self-loathing, Star Wars
Primo Tweet: "If you want to break up with someone, show them this tweet while nodding sadly."
Andy Kropa/Getty Images
Day jobs: Writer, podcast host
Pet topics: Cats, the Monkees, Aaron Sorkin
Primo Tweet: "Hot day. I'm more worn out than a transsexual hooker in Tampa with a butt full of secrets."
