Returning super-hostesses Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler started crushing the 2014 Globes days before the ceremony even took place, announcing the fresh rules for their official drinking game ("Every time I drink, everybody at home should drink," said Poehler. "And if Bryan Cranston speaks, everybody has to do a little bit of meth. Just a touch, because that's all you need, just a touch.") The pair skewered George Clooney's dating habits so righteously during their opening monologue, the camera crew had time to cut to six (!) different reaction shots in the crowd. Poehler even wedged in a joke nobody over the age of 20 in the room got ("A lot of nominated shows are on Netflix this year. Enjoy it while it lasts, Netflix, because you're not going to be feeling so smug in a couple of years when Snapchat is up here accepting Best Drama"). They introduced Melissa McCartney as the "cursing consultant on The Wolf of Wall Street." They mocked Michael Bay's CES meltdown. And on top of all that, their hair looked damn good. 

It’s a party, y’all! That’s what the media’s been shoving down your face since Amy Poehler and Tina Fey announced their Golden Globes drinking game. Some took it too literally – see Jaqueline Bisset’s thousand-mile martini stare – but our sloshed star of the night award goes to charming English actress Emma Thompson. Cocktail glass and Louboutin heels in hand, Thompson took the stage to present the award for Best Screenplay. Sure, she swished and swayed like a Newton’s cradle. Maybe it finally proves the English hold their liquor better than us. But when she whipped her heels over her head, well, it was the moment that launched a thousand GIFs.

Rock & roll was better represented at the Globes this year than 12 Years a Slave. Alex Ebert won Best Original Score, Motion Picture — perhaps you know him better as the leader of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. When the bearded, bewildered musician took the stage, he and presenter Diddy reminisced about meeting under different circumstances: "He was on a boat with me partying in St. Barths," Puffy exclaimed. "He came up from behind me and unbuttoned my jacket and said, 'Let it flow!'" Ebert added. (Oh sure, that cleared it up). Chris Martin was in the house as a Best Original Song, Motion Picture nominee for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire track "Atlas," as was Taylor Swift for her "Sweeter Than Fiction" collaboration with Fun.'s Jack Antonoff, but that prize went to U2 and Danger Mouse for "Ordinary Love" from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. "Larry, say something," Bono encouraged Mullen Jr. (and he did!). Adam Clayton thanked Chris Martin for helping "us work this song out." "We're good at the dysfunctional love stories," Bono added.

The brain trust that runs E!'s red-carpet show thought it was a good idea to display a "Fun Fact" about Michael J. Fox when the actor (who appeared on the cover of RS earlier this year) arrived at the Globes. The fact was not fun: "Michael J. Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease in 1991." After a significant outcry, the network apologized. Calling the note an "insensitive classification of Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's diagnosis," E! added, "We understand the serious nature of the disease and sincerely apologize."

It’s extraordinarily rare to find a young Hollywood talent that can win over millennials and middle America alike. But Lawrence, with her razor-sharp wit and glamorous good looks, is the most talented young actress in America, and we just can’t get enough of her red carpet shenanigans. At just 23, Lawrence is no awards season newbie – she was Oscar nominated in 2011 for Winter’s Bone and took home the golden statue last year for Silver Linings Playbook. And just like last year, her exasperated, aw-shucks, am I really cut for time speeches still kill it every damn time. Open letter to Jennifer: you can photobomb us any day.

Amy Poehler took part in a long Hollywood tradition (sort of) when Tina Fey introduced her as "Mr. Golden Globe," her "adult son from a previous relationship," Randy. The coming-out took place during the introduction of the real Miss Golden Globe – an institution for the awards show that dates back to 1963 and has introduced celebrity offspring like Melanie Griffith, Laura Dern and Freddie Prinze, Jr. to the world over the years. Miss Golden Globe for 2014 was Sosie Bacon, daughter of Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon, but "Randy" stole the show. Ambling out in a poorly tailored tux and a brown Flock of Seagulls/emo 'do, Randy was quick to voice his discontent: "I don't want to do this. This is so stupid." Then he turned to Sosie and asked, "What are you, the Olympics?" Spurred on by Fey, Randy took to the audience in search of his father, singling out Idris Elba and Harvey Weinstein as possible baby-daddies. "No," said Fey. "Think about it!"

Sure, he's lost a little weight, having dropped 45 pounds to play the AIDS-afflicted Ron Woodruff in Dallas Buyers Club. But last night, we learned that his devilish grin, charming drawl and laid-back Alpha male persona are all still alive and well. Over the past decade, McConaughey, 44, has gone from the lightweight likes of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days to critically acclaimed work in The Wolf of Wall Street. But in Buyers Club he hits a career peak. "All right, all right, all right," the Texan said smoothly upon picking up his best dramatic actor trophy, referencing his very first on-screen lines in 1993's Dazed and Confused. After thanking his mother for not letting him watch TV – "don't watch somebody on TV do it – go out there and do it for yourself,” he added, "This film was never about dying, it was always about living. To that I say: just keep."

Proximity to the stage is no indicator of triumph at the Golden Globes, as some of the winners' lengthy journeys to the mic stand suggested. British actress Jacqueline Bisset kicked off the evening (and stumbled a little shortly thereafter) as she wormed her way slowly to the mic stand. Same went for the better-spoken Bryan Cranston. While nobody had to walk all the way from, say, the Valley to get their Globe, Robin Wright, notably, had to sprint like an Olympian from the back of the room to retrieve hers – and, short of breath, she said she didn't even have a speech ready.

No one was more excited that Amy Poehler won a Golden Globe than Bono. Poehler had perched herself on the Irish rocker's lap as a gag for her nomination introduction, allowing him to give her a backrub. Then when it was announced Poehler won, she turned around and planted a big kiss right on his lips. Even though Poehler didn't thank him in her acceptance speech, Bono flashed a toothy grin.

The Thirty Seconds to Mars frontman used his two minutes of Golden Globes fame to talk about his pubic region. As he held the trophy for Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture, for his role in Dallas Buyers Club, Leto felt the inclination to let it all hang out or, uh, hang around. "It was a very transformative role," he said. "I had to do a lot of things to prepare. One of the things I did was wax my entire body, including my eyebrows. I'm just fortunate it was a period piece, and I didn't have to do a full Brazilian." He also reserved some mushiness for the way Hollywood took him back after taking a break from acting. "I didn't make a film for almost six years. I was pursuing other dreams," he said. "And I just have to say it: it's more than an honor to come back and have this love and this support. I never expected it." We will always love you, Jordan Catalano.

La-di-damn-da Diane, can you just play Annie Hall forever? Keaton, graceful as ever at 68, was on hand to accept the honorary Cecil B. DeMille Award on behalf of Woody Allen, who despite friendly recognition from the Press, has consistently refused to attend (or acknowledge) awards through the years. Keaton and Allen worked together on eight films between 1971 and 1993, most notably Annie Hall and Manhattan. (To his credit, Allen has cited Keaton as his muse during his early career). And Keaton returned the favor with a moving tribute to one of Hollywood’s funniest, most prolific filmmakers. She earnestly thanked Allen for creating roles for strong women characters, shouted out Truffaut and rocked a stunning lady-tux, But then, saying that her and Woody's 45-year friendship fills her with "pride and affection and even love," she sang the Girl Scouts song. "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the others gold" she crooned in a lilting soprano. And then she sang another verse. We couldn't look away.

During the hostesses' opening monologue, Amy Poehler zinged Matt Damon, "Matt, on any other night, in any other room, you would be a big deal. But tonight, and don't take this the wrong way, you're basically a garbage person." Damon chuckled in his seat. "It's me, the garbage man," he said when he took the stage to introduce Captain Phillips as a Best Picture nominee. Later, The Wolf of Wall Street winner had his turn in the wringer: "And now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio," Tina Fey said. Leo took the stage beaming and gave her a friendly nod. Maybe the rivers of booze made everyone feel more forgiving, but this felt like a watershed evening in Having a Sense of Humor About Yourself. 

Going into the night, 12 Years a Slave and American Hustle led the film categories with seven nominations apiece, and each won Best Motion Picture (drama for 12 Years and musical or comedy for American Hustle). But whereas Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence nabbed trophies for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, 12 Years failed to pick up any more accolades. That’s a bit of a blow for director Steve McQueen and his star, Chiwetel Ejiofor, the British duo that punched us in the face this fall with their stunning true story of Solomon Northup, a black man living free in New York in 1841 until he wound up as human chattel in the Deep South. But even more remarkable was Lupita Nyong’o’s loss to Lawrence. Nyong’o, 30, just graduated from Yale. Here’s hoping she can steal that “America’s sweetheart” title away from her new rival.

Although Breaking Bad has been winning Emmys since as far back as 2008 (for its pilot) and once snagged a SAG award, the series has long been snubbed by the Golden Globes. That changed last night, when the now-defunct show won two: Best Television Series – Drama and Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama, for actor Bryan Cranston. "I was always very grateful that the show resonated with American audiences but now through this and the Hollywood Foreign Press, everyone around the world will be able to share in Breaking Bad's mirth and merriment," he said, joking. Aaron Paul, naturally added, "Yeah, bitch!"

It’s the 21st century, y’all, where Snapchat and Lulu dominate the dating scene and the best films tackle the love between a man and his operation system. And yet the tech team hidden deep in the catacombs of the Beverly Hilton struggled all night with their teleprompter (you know, that couldn’t-be-less-sexy cousin of the camcorder that’s been a nuisance since the Eisenhower administration). In short, it completely shat the bed for Jonah Hill and his Wolf of Wall Street co-star Margot Robbie. (After some awkward ad libbing, they were handed their lines on a piece of legal paper). And earlier, Matt Damon walked onstage without his trusty eye glasses (and without a monitor anywhere near the stage), leaving every NBC exec with a pay grade below Steve Burke to pray for their messiah’s return. (To his credit, Damon played off the cuff quite cooly). Maybe the west coast Geek Squad should take a hint from their east coast brethren at SNL who (wait for it) still use hand-written cue cards.

Everyone once in a while, an actor gives an acceptance speech that's so earnest and charming, it instantly makes everyone want to be their BFF. On a night when so many folks at the podium attributed their flubbed thank yous to nerves, Adams stood out for her poise and tenderness. "David, you write such amazing roles for women," she said to her American Hustle director, David O. Russell. She remarked it was practically the 15-year anniversary of "moving out to L.A. thinking, like, I don't know, maybe I'll get a commercial or something" and thanked the manager who sent her on her first audition with true tenderness. When the get outta here music swelled, Adams wagged a finger at the camera: "You can not play me out of talking about my daughter," she said. "I love you so much, thank you for teaching me to accept joy and let go of fear."

"No matter whose name is called when I open this envelope, tonight I'm leaving here a winner," Robert Downey Jr. began his presentation of the nominees for Best Actress in a Motion Picture in the Comedy or Musical category. It got weirder from there: If Amy Adams wins, "and I get a racy photo of us backstage, Gucci lets me keep the tux," he joked. If it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "I chat her up and ride her coattails straight into Tina's afterparty." A Julie Delpy victory would reaffirm "the artistic integrity of sequels." A trophy for Greta Gerwig would allow him to "finally stop associating her surname with a film about an angry inch." And if the prize went to Meryl Streep, "I could supplement my income by leasing her a shipping container to put it in with the 200,000 other awards she's received." He capped his intro, "Let's see how this plays out for me." How Hollywood!

Seth Meyers had the honor of presenting his SNL pal "The Andy Samberg" with a Globe for Best Actor in a TV Series (Comedy or Musical) for cop show Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Samberg, who seemed genuinely stunned, was adorably speechless. As in, he had no speech prepared at all. "Oh no!" he exclaimed. "You guys, the Globes, right? Who knew?" he riffed (to sadly very little laughter), so he just started thanking people. "You know, the guys who came up with the show. . . the cast is awesome. . .the crew really good. The writers kick A." He capped it off with a shoutout to his wife, Joanna Newsom. 

Gravity director Alfonso Cuarón jested about his "thick accent" and told an illustrative story during his acceptance speech. "Sandra, you are the most amazing collaborator," he said to his film's star, Bullock. "I want to thank you for not quitting when you thought that I had told you, 'Sandra, I am going to give you herpes.' When I really meant to say, 'Sandra, I'm going to give you an ear piece.'"

It's a well-known fact that the Hollywood Foreign Press likes to ply its attendees with readily available alcohol, but rivers of champagne usually don't make their way backstage to the censor. That may be the only reasonable explanation for why NBC broadcast Jacqueline Bisset saying "shit" clearly in the middle of her mumble-mouthed speech. (Not so for the censor at E!, who managed to switch scenes quickly after its host, Giuliana Rancic, encouraged Elisabeth Moss to flip the bird in their "Mani Cam.") Later, a good portion of what Diane Keaton had to say in her tribute to Woody Allen was completely covered up for seemingly no reason.