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10 Most WTF Crime Stories of 2017

From a drug-fueled orgy at the Vatican to accidental circumcision-by-gun, the craziest news stories of the year

This past year, following the news was more exhausting than usual. Those in political power have finally melded reality TV and politics, and now each day lurches forward in nightmare time. Are we going to war with a country our leaders can’t locate on a map? Will you lose your healthcare, and be forced to visit a disgraced former doctor running an ersatz clinic in the woods behind a Jiffy Lube? Welcome to a world where you can’t tell what’s a New York Times article and what comes from The Onion.

Yet despite the overall terribleness of 2017, it was actually a very good year for dumb crimes – the kind of In Cold Blood-brutality meets America’s Funniest Home Videos-crassness that our country does best. Here’s a quick roundup of most WTF crime stories of 2017 – at least those that happened outside the White House. 

Alleged Bandit Gets Stuck In Chimney

A man in Ridgecrest, California, attempted to rob a home by sneaking in through the chimney, in a move known as the “reverse-Santa.” Keith Schultz climbed into the chimney, but that’s as far as he got, as he severely misjudged its width.

Desperate for help, his female partner in crime allegedly tried to break into the house to help him, which police believe triggered the home’s burglar alarm. She then called the police for help, before escaping into the night. Meanwhile, firefighters pried Schultz free from the chimney. He was taken into police custody, where he posed for a mug shot covered in soot, a headshot that could surely get him cast in a local stage production of Oliver Twist.

A robber shot himself in the groin at a hot-dog stand in Chicago.

Circumcision By Gun

A robber in Chicago faced the ultimate punishment when he shot his own dick, according to the Sun-Times. In October, 19-year-old Terrion Pouncy held up a hot dog stand with a gun in the West Pullman neighborhood on the city’s South Side, shortly after 6 a.m. After snatching the cash, he made a break for it, and his gun accidentally discharged into his junk.

The unlucky robber was taken to Christ Medical Center, and arrested. He joins the ranks of other infamous eunuchal movie villains, like the mugger from RoboCop and the villain from 21 Jump Street.

Kanyoni Sedekiya fell asleep after allegedly tying up his roommate.

Alleged Kidnapper Takes a Nap at Crime Scene

One of the problems with committing crimes at night is that it’s hard to stay up so late, as one suspected robber in Abilene, Texas, found out. Kanyoni Sedekiya, 20, allegedly got into an argument with his roommate. According to authorities, he eventually took out a gun, tied him up and held him hostage, demanding money.

But Sedekiya couldn’t stay awake. At around 4 a.m., after he dozed off, his roommate escaped and got help. Police returned to find Sedekiya and arrested him. He was held on an aggravated robbery charge with a $60,000 bond.

It’s apparently a common problem, as two people in Yakima, Washington, were also caught sleeping in front of the storage unit facility in which they had just allegedly robbed. Remember to take a nap before your crime spree.

He hid from the cops in the ceiling – then fell through and landed right in front of them.

Guy Hiding From Cops Falls Through Ceiling, Lands in Front of Them

Earlier this month, Justin Thompson was a 29-year old on the run from the law in Scranton, Pennsylvania. There was a warrant out for his arrest for aggravated assault and harassment charges, stemming from an incident in September. So when officers showed up to search his 26-year-old girlfriend’s house, Thompson hid in a crawl space, apparently doing his best impression of John McClane in Die Hard.

Unfortunately, the crawl space couldn’t support his weight, and Thompson crashed through the ceiling, landing in the kitchen, right in front of the cops who were looking for him. Worse, they tacked on a charge of endangering children because he nearly landed on some kids.

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