Inside Valentine’s Day’s Hottest Sex Tech

More often than not, Valentine’s Day is a day of disappointment. Your significant other will be underwhelmed by even the grandest romantic gesture you come up with, and if they’re allergic to flowers or lactose intolerant, you have to get creative without giving them hives and/or Cadbury-induced diarrhea. That’s why it’s almost always a good idea to give your significant other the only gift that you are absolutely confident they’ll appreciate: an orgasm. 

But let’s say your partner isn’t content with a simple V-Day gift. Let’s say they like the bells and whistles. Let’s say, to quote the bard Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar, they’re expensive. 

Luckily, it’s 2020, so it’s fairly easy to find a sex toy that costs somewhere in between your average CVS dildo and a Tesla. And thanks to last year’s Consumer Electronics Expo — which was the first to officially allow sex-tech distributors onto the main floor — futuristic vibrators have never been better-positioned to join the conversation.

Below, a roundup of the best high-tech products for sexual pleasure and wellness. Because your genitals deserve to be spoiled on this Hallmark holiday, too.

The Lioness 
If you’re the type of woman who watches Law and Order: SVU and wishes the show had more data on sexual-assault convictions by jurisdiction, then the Lioness is probably for you. Marketed as one of the world’s first “smart” vibrators, the award-winning Lioness is equipped with motion, temperature, and pressure sensors to provide biofeedback to an accompanying app, which allows you to track your vaginal contractions per session. You can also remotely adjust the vibrator’s settings from 0 to 100, so if you have the time and wherewithal to try out 101 individual vibrator settings on your coochie snorcher, you could theoretically do that with the Lioness! ($229) 

The Ose
The Ose first became well-known when it was given a design award by CES.… Which was promptly revoked after the committee was alerted to the fact that the giant, phallus-shaped device was intended for sexual pleasure. In 2020, however, CES officially welcomed sex-tech devices, allowing inventor Lora DiCarlo to freely display its revolutionary massager. (It also displayed the Baci, a “microrobotic pleasure device that simulates the feel and motion of the human lips and tongue,” and the Onda, which is intended to stimulate the G-spot by replicating the motion of fingers.) The Ose doesn’t buzz or vibrate at all, instead, it stimulates both the G-spot and the clitoris with a shaft that moves up and down to stimulate the G-spot on one end, and has a motor-driven clitoral stimulator on the other (both are adjustable). At $290, the Ose isn’t exactly cheap, but it’s also totally unlike anything else on the market. ($290)

Blue Motion Nex3 
OhMiBod founder Suki Dunham is basically the OG of sex tech, and rightly so: Her line of high-end sexual-wellness products has been on the market for years, yet the company is constantly pushing new additions to the market. The couples’ ring blueMotion Nex3 is a USB-rechargeable, Bluetooth-enabled device that vibrates to the rhythm of music, while an app allows you to control the intensity and treble of the vibrations. The ring is also coated in cushioned, ridged silicone to provide extra oomph for both partners. ($109, available in March / Nex2 available now for $129)

The Crescendo 
MysteryVibe’s Crescendo is a rarity in the sexual-wellness product world: a toy made for partners of all genders, designed for clitoral, anal, G-spot, and perineum stimulation. How, you may ask, can it do all of those things? Because it’s made of a bendable, flexible material, you can basically manipulate it to conform to your partner’s desires. Want to use it on a phallus? Why not! Want to pretend to be a 1930s-era swashbuckler, don a white lace-up shirt, and chase your partner around the house screaming “#JusticeForTyronePower”? You can do that! An accompanying app allows you to select from six different vibrational patterns, or create your own. Because it’s 2020, and if we can’t create our own vibrational patterns for our sex toys, are we even truly living? ($149.99) 

The Eva II 
Yes, Dame Products’ Eva II looks like the scarab that opens the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. But it’s an award-winning, superdiscreet couples’ vibrator that — unlike many other couples’ vibes on the market — is designed perfectly for hands-free pleasure, providing people with vulvas clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex. Your own cave of wonders will thank you for it. ($135) 

The Lovely 2.0 
When one thinks of cock rings, one typically thinks of a super-constrictive, terrifying piece of heavy metal that looks like something that Tim Allen would display during Tool Time, not necessarily something you’d want to put on your junk. That’s why the startup Lovely has made the (extremely wise) decision of marketing its product not as a smart vibrating cock ring, but as a “couples’ ring” with eight vibrational patterns that can, depending on how it’s worn, not just intensify erection, but also stimulate the testicles, perineum, or vulva of the user and/or wearer. An accompanying app also provides data and tips on improving sexual satisfaction and performance. Thanks Lovely 2.0! ($139) 

Palma ring
Vibrating jewelry is not necessarily new: sex-tech startup Crave has been making beautiful, delicate vibrator necklaces for some time now. Yet most other entries in the field look like NSFW versions of something you would’ve begged your mom to buy you from the Delia’s catalog. That’s why Unbound’s Palma ring is an anomaly: a discreet vibrating ring that you’d actually wear. (It also comes in a box that says “Feeling Myself,” which is fun!) ($128)

Ditto Vibrating Butt Plug
Beginner’s butt play is like ordering unagi at a restaurant in the Midwest: Yes, it’s a risk, but one that could potentially pay off tenfold. Whether you’re looking to make your first foray into anal exploration or you’re an established authority, WeVibe’s Ditto Vibrating Butt Plug is an excellent option. With 10 vibrational modes, you can use it either on your own or with a partner, or even have your partner control it from afar via an accompanying app. Because nothing says “Valentine’s Day” more than going to your local Wegman’s and having someone you love tickle your anus while you’re in the dairy aisle. ($125)

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