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Pairing 2019’s Ongoing Apocalypse with Weed: A Guide

No matter which crisis is keeping you up, there’s a strain for that

It’s not an understatement to say that it’s kind of stressful to read the news. As our various social media feeds scroll with updates regarding the unspeakable horrors of 2019, there remains a green lining: weed is (finally, slowly, sort of) becoming legal. In early May, the Alabama Senate voted to legalize medical marijuana, while Illinois is looking to join the ten other states that have already legalized the Devil’s Herb. And even though legalization has stalled on the East Coast, it’s likely it will happen soon.

Should you need a reliable coping mechanism, or whenever you need a break from working to make things better, here are some suggestions for the best strains to pair with some of the worst news stories. As the world burns, you might as well inhale some of the fumes.

Watching 3,000 Democratic Debates
Between now and the democratic primary, we’re going to have to sit through thousands of debates (rough estimate), before the corrupt corporate machine inevitably selects an inept centrist. If you want to get through them all, you’re going to need to get sufficiently blasted. For this, choose a strain that’s high in limonene terpene, like the sativa Jack Herer. It has an uplifting effect, and might keep you from throwing your phone at your television in rage — for a few minutes, at least.

The Constitutional Crisis
The White House continues to ignore calls to release the full, unredacted version of the Mueller Report, while our Commander in Chief muses about the perks of being “president for life.” It very much appears that we’re entering a constitutional crisis. And, considering the President has potentially been in violation of the emoluments clause since he took office, we’ve potentially been in one since 2017. The crumbling of democracy before our very eyes is best complemented with a hefty sack of Nine Pound Hammer, a potent mix of Jack the Ripper, Hell’s OG, and Gooberry. This 80% indica strain’s effects are extra long-lasting, so they’ll help you cope through Trump’s next six terms.

Crushing Gerontocracy
Although the majority of Americans appear to favor progressive policies, the United States is suffering under the rule of wealthy, neoliberal Baby Boomers. They’ll likely have a lock on political power for the foreseeable future. For this, we recommend a strain that causes relaxation and euphoria, like the appropriately-named Granddaddy Purple.

Climate Change
The entire natural world is swiftly dying all around us, while lobbyists and politicians delay all meaningful efforts to prevent the extinction of our species in order to make a quick buck. But don’t worry — Cheese Quake might help you deal with the despair. This indica-dominant hybrid is perfect for long hikes, so you can enjoy the majesty of nature while it still exists.

Mass Incarceration
The pointless and cruel War on Drugs has helped drive incarceration rates in the United States higher than those in any other country. As marijuana is gradually legalized — becoming a booming multi-billion-dollar industry — 2.3 million people remain confined in prison, a half-million of them for drug-related offenses, the vast majority of which are people of color. Unfortunately, there’s no good weed to pair with this news. It’s just awful. That’s right, we can’t even enjoy pot in Hell World.

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