Orange Is the New Black is expected to return with its fourth season next summer – but to help tide over fans, the Litchfield inmates have issued a hilarious, suitably dark Yuletide greeting with a parody of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas." As expected, Santa's fate is a bit different in this version.
"Cell phones were stashed in the walls all around / In hopes that the contraband wouldn't be found," explain Red (Kate Mulgrew) and Poussey (Samira Wiley). The prisoners, upon hearing a ruckus outside, wonder if a "riot" is going down, but they soon spot a bizarre-looking "old white dude" whom Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) confuses for Jesus, accompanied by "eight little cute-ass reindeer."
After noticing his sleigh stash, the inmates seize an opportunity: As Mendoza (Selenis Leyva) explains, "We may have robbed and roughed up St. Nick.” For a brief moment, the Litchfield crew enjoy their newly acquired presents – books for the library, tampons, porn, "a brand new vibrating screwdriver for Boo" – but the story ends with lockdown and Santa fleeing the scene.