Stephen Colbert gave Donald Trump a self-esteem boost on The Late Show Wednesday, hoping to provide the Republican frontrunner with the validation he needed to stop his attention-seeking, presidential campaign charade.
The bit began with Colbert recapping Tuesday's primaries, in which Trump won three more states and gave a victory speech surrounded by various Trump-branded products — water, magazines, wine and steak — that Mitt Romney and the Republican establishment have used to assail his business savvy.
"That's right, Trump gave his victory speech next to a pyramid of raw steak," Colbert cracked. "He was either trying to prove Mitt wrong, or introducing his new running mate: Trump/Pile of Meat 2016. Good luck telling them apart."
But then Colbert got serious, wondering if Trump even wanted to be president and if his campaign was just a way to fill an empty existential void. "Mr. Trump, I just want you to know that everyone thinks you're cool," Colbert assured the candidate. "You're smart, you are good at companies, and businessing, and no doubt you are hung like a pool noodle."
To show he truly meant it, Colbert offered Trump a far better, more elite position than president: America's Number One Man. "And to make it official, I'm giving you the Number One Man trophy — and you'll love it, because it's packed with meat," Colbert cracked, pulling out an Emmy stuffed with raw beef.