Imitating Tim Cook's drone and pace, Colbert started with the headphone jack and continued cutting out obsolete features under the guiding principle, "If less is more, how much more could we less?"
After axing the iPhone's home button, glass front, back and battery, Colbert introduced Apple's most revolutionary disrupter: The iFriend. As Colbert exhibited, this actual person named Gabe was capable of instant verbal response and could tell both the weather and the time (by checking his phone).
As for how the iFriend could possibly play music, Colbert was happy to demonstrate. "It's this simple: I still have my old headphones right here. Gabe, can I borrow your iPhone 6?" After plugging in, Colbert proclaimed, "The iPhone 7, the next thing we're asking you to buy!"
Find out everything you need to know about the iPhone 7. Watch here.