Wake up, Miley – I think I got something to say to you. It's late September and you really should be back at school, but more importantly, you should be on the Emmy Awards. Because awards shows without Miley just don't cut it anymore. The Emmys last night were a perfectly decent show, but they kept crying out for a little of the psychedelic bear-humping mind-twerk magic that only you can bring. So please never miss one of these things again, okay?
The Emmys have perked up in recent years – once the dullest of awards snoozers, they've gained a little sense of humor about themselves, now that they're no longer trying to hold off the non-network wastelands. It ain't easy putting on the Emmys when you know 98% of the hardest-core TV fans are going to click away to AMC for Breaking Bad. And the other 2% will click to the Lifetime Movie Network for I Killed My BFF. (Or maybe that was just me. Spoiler! She killed her BFF!)
Last night's Emmys coasted on the cheeky charm of Neil Patrick Harris, if not his sadly underused song-and-dance skills. Nobody grabbed their crotch or anyone else's; nobody did anything weird or scandalous. The Big Bang Theory's Jim Parsons gave a funny speech: "It's so silly to be emotional, isn't it?" So did Nurse Jackie's Merritt Wever, who just said, "I gotta go. Bye." Breaking Bad's Anna Gunn won an award, which makes me feel less guilty about fast-forwarding through the Skyler scenes for the past few seasons. (My wife calls the remote the "Skyler Skipper.")
Jon Hamm's beard and white tux made him look like he's getting ready to play General Ulysses S. Grant in a Civil War-themed remake of the Pretty In Pink prom scene. Since Mad Men just announced they're hosing us fans by making us wait a year for the second half of the next season, perhaps this beard is a sign that Don Draper is going to spend 1969 in Woodstock, working as Levon Helm's drum roadie. ("Hey, you guys should call this next album something simple. How about It's Toasted? No, wait – let's just call it The Band.")
But despite Hamm's ongoing epic torment on Mad Men, he didn't win the award for Best Actor on a Drama. Neither did Bryan Cranston. Jeff Daniels won because. . . anyone know? Yeah, Jeff Daniels. Right, the one on The Newsroom. No, he's not on a drama – The Newsroom is the show he won for. An award for acting. Maybe he gave a speech, but I wouldn't know – I clicked back over to I Killed My BFF.
Nobody else from Mad Men won anything, either. All night, in fact, the actual winners were so out of whack it's pointless to even mock them, though it was nice to see Melissa Leo win for telling Louis C.K. to "strap on the feedbag." And the memorial tributes criminally left out the late great Jack Klugman, which proves only that the punk rock kids on Quincy were right about our sick society.
Carrie Underwood sang "Yesterday," because she's sad about the JFK assassination. Elton John sang a tribute to Liberace, although frankly you can't get much more Liberace-tribute than Carrie Underwood singing "Yesterday." And Michael Douglas won for his great turn as Liberace in HBO's Behind the Candelabra, although it was an even sweeter moment when he fanboyed out meeting Jim Parsons on the red carpet – that moment was like watching the whole Liberace movie in 15 seconds.
But if Liberace were here to watch the Emmys, he'd know just what the show needed – he would have busted out a Miley duet to sleaze things up. Sure, some viewers might have been disgusted. But like Liberace says in the movie, "Disgusting is in the eye of the disgustee."