The hardest working man in fake news, Jon Stewart, giddily picked apart the arguments against gay marriage presented to the Supreme Court earlier this week, summing up their overall effectiveness in a Daily Show segment Wednesday titled, "You Got Nothin.'"
Stewart attacked the "anti-gay cray cray" from all sides. He first dismissed Associate Justice Samuel Alito's slippery-slope questioning about whether gay marriage would lead to more dubious definitions of the institution before schooling attorney John Bursch. Bursch has been arguing on behalf of a ban, though Stewart breaks down how the Supreme Court checks America's direct democracy when it threatens to strip people of their individual liberties.
"If you don't agree with the Court's decision, well then, you just have to suck it up. Sometimes for years. With horrible consequences," Stewart grimaced, showing a picture of Al Gore, George W. Bush and a headline from 2000 announcing the Court's five-to-four ruling that reversed the Florida's recount decision.
Before delivering his knockout blow, however, Stewart got an assist from Supreme Court rock star Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Noting Bursch's absurd point that gay marriage would uproot the biological foundation of marriage by making it about emotional commitment rather than children, Stewart played Justice Ginsberg's succinct retort: "Suppose a couple, a 70-year-old couple, comes in and they want to get married?"
After a rousing, vivid defense of the elderly and their non-childbearing lovemaking, Stewart let Bursch trip over his own response — which included the myopic phrase "a 70-year-old man, obviously, is still capable of having children" — before bringing the segment to a close: "Bottom line is this: If oral arguments have any impact on the final results, June is going to be a nice time for a gay wedding."
The Supreme Court has until June 30th to render a decision in the case, which will decide two issues: are states required by the Constitution to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and does the Constitution require states to recognize out-of-state marriage licenses for same-sex couples that married elsewhere?
Stewart's tenure on The Daily Show will come to a close on August 6th. The show is scheduled to go on a brief hiatus, but will return at an as-of-yet undecided date with new host Trevor Noah at the helm.