John Oliver kicked off Last Week Tonight Sunday with an expletive-laden, therapeutic verbal takedown of the perpetrators responsible for Friday's terror attack in Paris. "It's hardly been 48 hours, and much is still unknown, but there are a few things we can say for certain," Oliver said. "And this is when it actually helps to be on HBO, where those things can be said without restraint. Because after the many necessary and appropriate moments of silence, I'd like to offer you a moment of premium-cable profanity.
"So here is where things stand: First, as of now, we know this attack was carried out by gigantic fucking assholes," the host continued. "Unconscionable, flaming assholes, possibly working with other fucking assholes, definitely working in service of an ideology of pure assholery. Second, and this goes almost without saying, fuck these assholes. Fuck them, if I might say, fuck them sideways."
Oliver then rattled off all the many reasons why a terrorist group raging a cultural war against France can never win: Edith Piaf, Marcel Proust, fine wine and the monolithic pastry dish known as the croquembouche, "a French Freedom Tower." "To the people of France, our thoughts are with you," Oliver said before formally launching into Last Week Tonight's regularly scheduled segments.