Jimmy Fallon dusted off the golden hairball that is his Donald Trump wig and hopped on the phone with Ben Carson — played soothingly by David Alan Grier — on The Tonight Show Wednesday for an astute recap of the Democratic presidential debate.
After rousing Carson from one of his "little kitty cat naps," Fallon, as the Donald, launched right into an underwhelmed, overexaggerated monologue. He knocked Lincoln Chafee — "He looks like a turtle that shops at Men's Warehouse" — and called the debate, "The saddest thing I've ever seen, and I've met Jeb Bush." Carson was equally riled up — but then fell back to sleep before waking with the cries of, "Hitler! Hitler!"
"There you go, you keep making outrageous comments every day, saying crazy things, yet you're going up in the polls," Trump scolded. "Stop stealing my campaign strategy!"
But Trump quickly turned his attention to Bernie Sanders, howling that America doesn't need a president who yells all the time. Carson dulcetly revealed he's constantly yelling, as well: His normal voice is a hoarse whisper, and his actual whisper can only be heard by dogs. When he busted it out, Trump's hairpiece started growling.
The pair went on to joke about Hillary Clinton's blunt non-response to Chafee's comments about her integrity and e-mails ("She just threw more shade than Chris Christie at the beach," said Trump) and the drinking game Trump was going to play every time a Democrat said his name.
"I don't know, that's an awful lot of tequila for a Tuesday night" Carson said, taking a big swig of Nyquil.
As Carson settled in for another well-earned nap, Trump began rambling about his latest plan to make America great again: "A giant fire wall." He even came up with a song to promote the policy, remixing Pitbull and John Ryan's "Fireball." It's gonna be huge.