'The Goldbergs' (ABC)
Aaaw – an old-fashioned family sitcom, from an old-fashioned network, set in the halcyon pre-Bundy days of 1985. What could go wrong? Who doesn't love Eighties jokes? And people yelling at each other? Saying things like "The only one who understands me is Flavor Flav"? Except Public Enemy didn't make their debut album until 1987, so either they don't have wi-fi in the writers' room or – more likely – everybody involved gave up on this sucker before it began. Another unskinny flop from another disastrous crop of freshman network shows. Light a candle for what's left of the American sitcom.