34. Jebidiah Atkinson
Taram Killam's mega-bitch 1860s newspaper critic — one of the only signs of life on Weekend Update these days. Jebidiah's first rant was a negative review of of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, but he soon moved on to movies ("You know what wasn't on Schindler's list? An editor!"), Broadway ("Cats? I've seen a less depressing play starring a hundred cats — it was called Hoarders") and music: "To answer your question, Bono — without you!"
Best line: "Iggy, smell the Azaleas: you're white. The last time anybody stole that much from black people, everybody still dressed like me."