Tina Fey and Amy Poehler left no superstar unscathed during their riotous opening monologue at the 72nd Golden Globe Awards, which opened with Fey delivering the warmest of introductions: "Good evening, good evening, and welcome you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally talented brats."
With the two comedians promising this would be their last year hosting the awards show, they casually roasted the assembled masses. North Korea's threat to attack the U.S. if Sony Pictures released The Interview was first up, with Fey pointing out, "North Korea referred to The Interview as 'absolutely intolerable and a wanton act of terror.' Even more amazing, not the worst review the movie got."
After turning their attention to the crowd, Poehler praised Reese Witherspoon for doing all of her own walking in Wild, and later noted that Steve Carell's turn as the "paranoid, murderous billionaire" John du Pont was a stretch for him since in real life, he's a "paranoid, murderous millionaire." Fey later took aim at George Clooney, mentioning the actor's recent marriage to Amal Alamuddin, saying, "Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria, and was selected for a three person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a Lifetime Achievement Award!"
Poehler and Fey then divvied up Hollywood's hottest men in a quick game of "Who Would You Rather," closing with Boyhood director Richard Linklater and Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu. Poehler chose the latter, reasoning, "One take, two hours straight no stopping;" while Fey went with the former because, "Five minutes, once a year."
The pair then ticked off some of the most revered movies of the year, from The Theory of Everything ("It combines the two things that audiences love," Poehler said, "a crippling nerve disease and super complicated math") to Selma, which was about, per Fey, "The American Civil Rights movement that totally worked and now everything's fine." Proving nothing is sacred, Fey and Poehler then offered an alternative plot line for Into the Woods in which Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby.
Following some viciously funny Cosby impressions, Poehler was finally ready to talk about television. "Oh, I'm being told we are running out of time," Fey said, before closing out the monologue. "Our apologies television, you're being bumped. Come back tomorrow."