Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were mellower than usual in their third (and final) round hosting the the silliest and drunkest award show of the season. The duo are the Ghostface and Raekwon of Golden Globe hosts, but last night they gave most of the laughs to that old dirty bastard Margaret Cho. Introduced as the "newest member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association," Cho played a Korean dictator and stole the show, whether she was barking orders to the celebs ("make Bridesmaids 2!") or the crowd: "Show over. Go home."
The Golden Globes are usually a freewheeling celeb-sprawl, a hotel room full of stars that degenerates into chaos, fueled by free booze and malnutrition and despair. Remember last year, when we got Jacqueline Bisset's woozy epic of a speech? And Poehler making out with Bono? And Diane Keaton singing Girl Scout songs? Nothing like that last night. Even Tina and Amy dialed it down a notch. Their nervously awaited Cosby joke turned out to be a harmless imitation of his voice. But their monologue was still far and away the highlight of the night, especially their game of "Who would you rather?" Amy picked Birdman director Alejandro González Iñárritu ("two hours, one take, no stopping") while Tina opted for Boyhood's Richard Linklater ("five minutes, once a year, for 12 years").
Jacqueline Bisset must have been behind the cameras last night, because they kept sliding off to the side and going for wacky angles. During the speeches, they got up close with an extremely annoying ear-cam that told us way, way more about the inside of Maggie Gyllenhaal's auditory canal than anybody besides Peter Sarsgaard needs to know. Why?
The Golden Globes gave a lifetime achievement award to George Clooney. We were repeatedly reminded all night that George has found himself a very special someone, a famous lawyer who is new to show biz and maybe not all that used to not being the center of attention, just guessing from her fidgety red-carpet manners and grumpy hair-pushing. Speaking of not being used to not being the center of attention, Oprah should never be forced to sit at a round table again. It was tough on her. The lady did not at all appreciate being introduced by Tina and Amy by one name ("Winfrey!"), but at least she got her uninterrupted moment at the podium.
Most of the speeches were sanctimonious McDrivel, which reflects how #recent #tragic #events have encouraged celebs to take themselves way too seriously. When people who win Golden Globes are congratulating themselves for "teaching the world something," maybe it's time to remember that these are the Golden Globes — because NO educational event will ever involve Kate Hudson. Some people know how to give a speech — Julianne Moore, that Dutch guy with the glasses, Jeffrey Tambor, the Birdman crew, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Patricia Arquette, Eddie Redmayne. And — surprisingly — Wes Anderson, who wisely kept it light.
The AC at the Beverly Hilton was apparently not working, and it was obvious — as early as the Cumberbatch/Aniston impromptu presentation, the stars were getting schvitzy. You could watch the bronzer melt. People were gasping for air, and not just while Michael Keaton was talking. Jane Fonda's date, legendary producer Richard Perry — the guy who produced "You're So Vain"! — passed out and paramedics were called, but they didn't even get it on camera. That's just lazy. For shame.
The juiciest onscreen moments were the flickering crowd shots right before the ads, where you could see the stars milling about and schmoozing: Julianne Moore bonding with Amy Adams, the Cumberbitch chatting with Jon Voight's white scarf, Ethan Hawke shooting the bull with Matthew McConaughey. It looked like the Golden Globes were a lot more fun to attend than to watch, which is the opposite of how it normally is (and the opposite of how it should be).
There was an all-too-brief shot of James Spader, so I guess he and Maggie G. were in the same room all night — why was there no spanking going on?!? Maggie and Jake were super cute together on the red carpet, boasting the sweetest sister/brother bonding of the night, along with Patricia Arquette thanking her family in her speech. Saddest sibling of the night: Emma Stone's not-at-all-competitive brother, whose undermining efforts to chew gum and frown while his sister chatted with Ryan Seacrest came across as a cry for help. Never come between a woman and her Seacrest time, clown.
Speaking of being desperately jealous that other people are getting attention, Ricky Gervais presented an award. In case you forgot, he used to host the Golden Globes in the dark ages before Tina and Amy, and he certainly seemed funny enough at the time. Seeing J.K. Simmons and Channing Tatum in the same room brought back fond memories of Simmons' sleazy Hollywood producer on Party Down. "Check out my wife here; her nipples got hard just at the combination of the words 'Channing' and 'Tatum.' Honey, I trust those nipples of yours more than any focus group!"
Prince showed up wearing a frightwig and twirling a cane. For once, the crowd was riveted by the presence of a real legend. Who else could reduce a room full of the planet's vainest celebs to starstruck puppies? Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader were a riot, proving Margaret Cho's point — where is Bridesmaids 2? Jessica Lange won most passive-aggressive clapping of the night. (Patricia Arquette, Jessica was so happy for you!) Cosmetic trend of the night: male stars who are just entering their Botox-intensive years, resulting in scary bugged-out eyes. Chill, bros.
Tina and Amy made a few too-short reappearances toward the end of the show, but nothing like last year, when they kept popping in for introductions along the lines of "Like a supermodel's vagina, let's give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio!" Last night was lesser Tina and Amy. But lesser Tina and Amy still beats watching anybody else host anything at all. See you next year, Margaret Cho. Bring Prince with you, okay?