Hall of Fame reliever/Hooters enthusiast Goose Gossage thinks today's brand of baseball is a "joke," and there two groups to blame for that: bat-flippers and stat-lovers.
On Thursday, Gossage – currently in Tampa, where he's serving as a special assistant at Yankees Spring Training – ripped Latin stars Jose Bautista and Yoenis Cespedes for their demonstrative on-field play, said stat-obsessed GMs are ruining the game, dropped approximately 850 F-Bombs and blamed MLB rule changes for turning today's players into a bunch of pussies. Surprisingly, he didn't tell reporters to "rub some dirt on it and walk it off."
First, let's get to Bautista, the Toronto Blue Jays' slugger who had the audacity to flip his bat after crushing a three-run homer late in the deciding fifth game of the 2015 American League Division Series. That show of emotion was apparently too much for Gossage to handle.
"Bautista is a fucking disgrace to the game. He's embarrassing to all the Latin players, whoever played before him," Goose raged. "Throwing his bat and acting like a fool, like all those guys in Toronto. [Yoenis] Cespedes, same thing."
Oh, and don't even get him started on MLB's increasing reliance on statistics-based analysis, which Gossage says has turned the game into a nerd's paradise. And there's no place for that in baseball. Or something.
"This game is becoming a freaking joke because of the nerds who are running it," he said. "I'll tell you what has happened; these guys played rotisserie baseball at Harvard or wherever the fuck they went and they thought they figured the fucking game out. They don't know shit."
Those same nerds are also apparently responsible for MLB rule changes designed to eliminate home plate collisions and takeout slides at second base.
"A bunch of fucking nerds running the game. You can't slide into second base. You can't take out the fucking catcher because [Buster] Posey was in the wrong position and they are going to change all the rules. You can't pitch inside anymore. I'd like to knock some of those fuckers on their ass and see how they would do against pitchers in the old days."
And with that, Gossage grew quiet, perhaps realizing that those old days – nay, his very way of life – was slowly evaporating, an inevitable consequence of time's inexorable march. Humbled by this, he tugged at his mustache, peered toward the horizon and finally knew that our time is finite and our end final. Just kidding, he blamed computers for ruining everything.
"[Pitch counts] have been created from the top, from their computers," Gossage said. "They are protecting these kids. The first thing a pitcher does when he comes off the mound is ask: 'How many pitches do I have?' If I had asked that fucking question, they would have said: 'Son, get your ass out there on the mound. If you get tired, we'll come and get you."