You know all those nagging rock-related questions taking up space in your brain that could otherwise be used for curing disease or solving global warming? Rolling Stone executive editor and “Alternate Takes” columnist Joe Levy knows the answer to every last one. Submit your questions today to asklevy@rollingstone.com, then check back next Friday, August 24, for answers.

We thought perhaps we’d mistakenly signed up for a subscription to AARP: The Magazine when we opened our mailbox today and pulled out a copy of SXSWorld, the official newsletter for the South by Southwest festival. Semi-disgraced CBS anchor Dan Rather — who’s scheduled to keynote the interactive portion of the annual music conference in Austin, Texas — swimming in a lake in a T-shirt and shorts, grinning like Grandpa after an especially good dose of Fibercon? We know Rather’s a native Texan, but do they really think showing us his ghostly-white quads is gonna amp up SXSW registrations? We can already picture next month’s issue of SXSWorld: Bea Arthur in bicycle shorts, pedaling toward Emo’s for the Vagrant showcase!

Official use:Sync your iPod up to this space-age sex toy and let the Miami Sound Machine do the rest. The rhythm is gonna get you!

Suggested use: Swathe the OhMiBod in its neon, fruit-scented (!), circumcised (!!) sleeve. Compile a thrash-metal playlist on your iPod. Slip the OhMiBod into your brother’s pocket at a big family dinner. Hit play and enjoy ensuing hilarity.