You know all those nagging rock-related questions taking up space in your brain that could otherwise be used for curing disease or solving global warming? Rolling Stone executive editor and “Alternate Takes” columnist Joe Levy knows the answer to every last one. Submit your questions today to asklevy@rollingstone.com, then check back next Friday, August 24, for answers.

Imagine our surprise when we received Paula Abdul — Greatest Hits: Straight Up! in the mail today. Now don’t get your undies in a bunch, the disc doesn’t go on sale ’til May 8th.

After rocking out furiously to “Cold-Hearted,” “Forever Your Girl” and, of course, “Straight Up,” we simmered down enough to ponder: Why now, Paula? Of all times to dust off that unfortunate-yet-catchy remnant of the early-’90s? After nearly five years of creeping insidiously into our hearts with your slurry, saccharine stage-mother sunshine? Why choose now to capitalize on your American Idol fame and remind us of your other, Taylor Dayne-ish shadow self? Are you there, Paula? Are you listening?

Not that we’re complaining. Forced to pick one Paula, we might just choose that vaguely chubby-legged, Emilio Estevez-loving friend of a cartoon cat over the embattled reality show diva that is Paula 2.0. Then again, maybe not.

Which Paula would you choose?

We thought perhaps we’d mistakenly signed up for a subscription to AARP: The Magazine when we opened our mailbox today and pulled out a copy of SXSWorld, the official newsletter for the South by Southwest festival. Semi-disgraced CBS anchor Dan Rather — who’s scheduled to keynote the interactive portion of the annual music conference in Austin, Texas — swimming in a lake in a T-shirt and shorts, grinning like Grandpa after an especially good dose of Fibercon? We know Rather’s a native Texan, but do they really think showing us his ghostly-white quads is gonna amp up SXSW registrations? We can already picture next month’s issue of SXSWorld: Bea Arthur in bicycle shorts, pedaling toward Emo’s for the Vagrant showcase!

Whatever about the coke binges, groupies, and embarrassing late night behavior of incredibly famous people. Let’s hear about the food! Franz Ferdinand frontman Alex Kapranos has written this book about … eating. Kapranos is a smart dude, and he’s an angular new waver who enjoys a well-cut suit, so he obviously knows his Chateauneuf du Pape from his Beaujolais-Nouveau. This thing reads just like you’d think, melodramatic but intelligent, with lines like “disappointment ripples along the queue like a domino rally” describing a sweet dough booth in Prague. Here are our favorite bits:

• On eating pink and white marshmallows as a child: “I’ve learned a good trick with them - if you do a sort of sicky burp move with your stomach, you can bring them back into your mouth and chew them a second time. I like doing this because they taste different second time around.”

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Official use:Sync your iPod up to this space-age sex toy and let the Miami Sound Machine do the rest. The rhythm is gonna get you!

Suggested use: Swathe the OhMiBod in its neon, fruit-scented (!), circumcised (!!) sleeve. Compile a thrash-metal playlist on your iPod. Slip the OhMiBod into your brother’s pocket at a big family dinner. Hit play and enjoy ensuing hilarity.