Photo: Micelotta/FOX
Welcome to the American Idol finale. It is going to be a profoundly glambertaining night in America, as Glambskanks and Kristaholics join hands to watch together. What will tonight’s show hold? Will Kris wear a daringly untucked shirt and grin like a muppet stoner? Will Glambert descend a staircase and hit mating-ocelot high notes that have been banned since the Spanish Inquisition? Will Paula say anything remotely coherent?
This is the TV party of the year, not to mention the first Idol finale in a while that people are genuinely fired up about. I’m a Glambourghini all the way, but the great thing about this season is that the cast has been really likeable, even the ones who can’t sing, and I hope they all make appearances tonight. Will Anoop bust some of his funky moves? Will the crazy headband guy come back to sing “I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)?” Will the dangerously unstable Mormon chick return to do a few bird noises? God, I hope so. Let the glam begin! (And a special treat for Glambert fans: photos of Adam throughout the season.)
8:02 pm: I forgot that doofy hat Kris wore to his audition. I’m amazed he survived that.
8:04 pm: Nice Chuck Bass suit, Randy.
8:11 pm: “MAD WORLD”! It’s over already. Look at that cape! That smoke! That silhouette! I love how he originally sang this on a chair, looking like he was gonna cry, but now he’s all walking through the fogs of Transylvania.
8:16 pm: Randy’s right — very Twilight, but I was thinking Purple Rain. And was that Sir Anthony Hopkins in the crowd shot? I’m opening up a nice chianti in his honor. The Idols in the audience look pretty miserable — geez, Matt Giraud, try to look a little excited, and maybe ditch the Timberfake hat.
8:21 pm: “Ain’t No Sunshine” is a shrewd pick — when Kris is good, he sounds like Taylor Hicks, and when he’s bad, he sounds like Michael Bolton undergoing a particularly grueling backwax. This is good Kris. It looks like the show is pimping Kris really hard as the all-American fave. The mandolin music when his parents talk, Ryan’s blatant rooting for him in the opening speech. Is it just a ploy to drum up votes?
8:24 pm: OK, commercial break. What the hell was up with Gossip Girl last night? How can Vanessa skip high school and then show up at graduation and say, “I’m glad I took the SATs so I’ll see you at college next year.” Why did Little J attend her brother’s graduation ceremony in a black lace corset with a zipper up the front? How did Nate keep a straight face when he confessed about the Duchess and uttered the fateful words “She… well… She PAID ME!”
8:28 pm: “A Change Is Gonna Come” — wow. I heard a homeless guy sing this on the L train a couple weeks ago. Adam unleashes the Lam-Beast for the first time tonight; a song completely outside his comfort zone, but he does justice to the melody and adds glambo-gasmic screams on top. It’s even better than the version Bill Clinton’s brother Roger sang at the 1993 Inauguration! I’m seriously verklempt. This is far beyond what I even thought the guy could do — I’m even agreeing with Paula Wobbles: “That was the best I’ve ever heard you sing, ever ever ever!”
8:39 pm: Kris brought his A-game tonight. When they announced “What’s Going On,” I assumed he was going to embarrass himself, like everybody else who ever tries to sing this uncoverable song. But he’s getting it done. Damn — I was kinda hoping for a debacle on a “Come Together”-like scale.
8:43 pm: First Simon/Ryan homophobe banter of the night. Feh. I love how Kris winces when the judges bitch him out. That’s how you can tell Adam’s a pro. First round went to Adam, now it seems like a tie.
8:46 pm: This Kara song is even worse than “This Is My Now” and “Do I Make You Proud?” combined. Poor Adam. He can’t do a thing with this.
8:52 pm: Nice rosary, Glambert! Glamb of God, grant us peace. Look, even Glambert couldn’t salvage that song — all his quarters are stacked on “A Change Is Gonna Come.” And now poor Kris has to sing that same piece of crap about the mountains and the hurricanes and the sleet and the puppies? He’s going to get glambéd.
8:56 pm: Poor Kris, he’s blowing the high notes. That was a lot worse than the version we just heard of this song. A few Gokey-dreaming-on moments. Ugh.
8:58 pm: REAL pitchy. I love how even the judges were shocked that song was a puddle of poodle puke. Kris needed a knockout punch tonight to stay in the game, but he didn’t get one.
8:58 pm: “Don’t punish me with brutality” could apply to that Kara song. I still have 3rd degree suck burns all over my brain.
9:00 pm: Excellent pageant-queen hug at the end. Hey, Adam saying “I’m a dreamer” at the beginning foreshadows the Carrie Underwood version of the Motley Crue song. Damn, I wish Glambert would sing “Kickstart My Heart” right now!
Kris did okay tonight — I thought he might get Glamblasted, but he held his own. The thing is, he needed another Kanye-style coup, which is how he snuck past Croakey Gokey last week — he surprised everybody so much with “Heartbreak” that people remembered it when the show was over. But tonight? He did a MUCH better job with “What’s Goin’ On” than I would have predicted, the usual John Mayer/Jack Johnson thing he does… but he didn’t come close to Glambert’s “A Change Is Gonna Come.” We’ll see who gets the crown in roughly 24 hours — but I’m predicting a GLAMBSLIDE!
Check out all our Season Eight American Idol coverage at our Idol hub and come back tomorrow night when Rob Sheffield live blogs the grand, star-packed finale.

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