Photo: Pimentel/WireImage

KISS‘ Gene Simmons has signed on with Universal Music Canada to form Simmons Records, which will find the self-proclaimed “God of Thunder” signing and developing Canadian bands. “If you’re reading this and you’re in a Canadian band (only!!!)….and you believe you’re the next Elvis or Beatles (don’t we all…)…go to SIMMONSRECORDS.COM and we will tell you how YOU can submit your electronic demo. This is serious,” Simmons wrote on his official Website, stressing his seriousness by Caps Locking the occasional word. “We are signing 3 new acts the first year. We intend on launching them from Canada and then worldwide,” he continued. Hopeful artists must also include a video with their demo, as this is the 21st century and that stuff is important.

It’s interesting that the rocker would suddenly embrace the standard record label format, considering Radiohead and their whole pay-what-you-want idea made Simmons lash out at the In Rainbows scheme and wonder how anyone these days can make a living being a musician. Rock blog Idolator asked a similar question of Simmons in their post yesterday about his new label, and somehow Simmons found out, which prompted this response on the Simmons Records site: “Here’s an amateur who’s achieved nothing in his life. Read it. You will see the built in bias…the arrogance of US media. What are YOU and I going to do about it? We’re going to shame this guy into submission. We will send him and his ilk back to fish wrapping factory they escaped from.”

It’s worth noting that the “guy” in this situation is in fact a girl, Idolator’s Maura Johnston. Simmons goes on, “We’re going to find, develop, nurture and launch new talent emanating from — CANADA!!!. That’s right, Baby.Why here? Because you actually DO have the talent. And now, you have a WAY. ME.”

“Oh, and the asshole who posted the story? He gets no free tix, no backstage passes, and therefore, he won’t have access to our parties and our girls,” Simmons pens in the post’s grand finale, once again failing to recognize the Idolator author is a female. “All Naysayers can get in line. It forms over there…to my left. Oh Ye of Little Faith.” Even if Simmons can’t turn some quartet from Winnipeg into the next Beatles, at least he can always make us laugh.

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