Every week on The Salt-N-Pepa Show, two MCs from the late Eighties try to prove they don’t hate each other (and the rap game), while our Rock Reality Show Recaps attempt to prove we don’t resent VH1 for exploiting the heroes of our youth (again). Here’s our take on the first episode:

Thirty Spicy Minutes in Four Sentences: Salt’s teenage daughter wants to have her first co-ed party and enlists Pepa’s help against Salt’s better judgment. Pep plans a Moroccan extravaganza, budgeting for male dancers, a tent and some sensual dim lighting while Salt battles her every step of the way. Pep’s strategy? “Salt can get a little stiff sometimes … Shake her.”

Disowning the Shoop: Based on the maxim “partying is definitely not Salt’s thing,” Pep’s sneaky plan to loosen up Salt by corrupting her children works a bit as Salt feels the pressure to be a “cool mom.” Regardless, Salt vetoes the dancers, stiletto dress code and forbids her daughter to come out of a cake (”That’s very strippery”). The three go shopping, and Salt rejects half a dozen dresses and heels for being age inappropriate. Pep tries to explain that Corin simply “wants some Pepa on it,” but in the end she declares it her first unhappy shopping experience ever.

Whatta Band: Pep takes Salt’s daughter to get her makeup done (overdone, that is) and Salt blasts her musical other half for turning her into “a little Pep,” i.e. “She looks like she’s dressed for Halloween,” and cancels the party in a bluff. Pep is mildly offended, “What’s wrong with a little Pep, anyway?” We were wondering the same thing. But Pep brings Salt to a chocolate shop to distract her with a little chemical happiness and Salt agrees to keep the party on.

Pushin’ It Forward: Salt learns that there are parts of Pep’s big ideas that work, and Pep learns that she likes to party, even with sixteen year olds. So will they actually, you know, make music? Not anytime soon. Next week, Salt will be the party pooper again when the girls go to Atlantic City to gamble.