Congratulations, Tila Tequila! Not long ago, you were just another L.A. celebu-nothing porn-droid on MySpace. But look at you now: the star of MTV’s A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, the most friggindiculously soul-crushing dating show ever. I’m in awe.
They found sixteen men and sixteen women who want Tila — it’s like wanting to date the Hamburglar or yearning to bear Garfield’s kittens. But these kids have studied Flavor of Love and learned the Pumkin Principle: Mindless bitch-slapping equals valuable camera time. So it’s like pro wrestling, with love-starved wretches trading scripted punches and chokeholds. Has there been a more stirring TV moment this fall than when Ashley stood outside the mansion, pounding on the door, screaming, “Tilaaaa! Tilaaaa!”?
Tila talks like a baby who’s been dropped on the head. Did she get her lines dubbed by Paula Abdul? Are we not supposed to notice she has the same house that’s in every other celebrity dating show? Like everything else on the set, Tila’s coated in low-budget loser dust. She has maybe half a facial expression, and her brain cells are like baby seals getting clubbed by the stupid-stick. It’s hard to guess why she’s supposed to be famous or hot, since she seems like a megasedated suburban mom who goes in for her quarterly touch-ups telling the surgeon, “Gimme the Tammy Faye.”
Yet she’s attracted quite the dream team of suitors. My fave is Ashley, a “high school guidance counselor” from West Virginia, where the PTA is no doubt delighted to have the minds of the future molded by a guy who calls Tila “a zebra I’d like to jump on and ride.” He says he dreams of sharing parenthood with her and responds to his elimination with a teary, just-plain-frightening fit of flowerpot-kicking and cactus-punching (”Sorry, Mom, I’m cussin’, but [Tila] has to see”).
I also love Michael, the pizza-delivery guy who recently lived with his parents. He proves his devotion by getting his scrotum waxed. “I’m a changed man,” he says after Tila dumps him. “I feel like a hero for all those guys out there sleeping on their mom’s couch.” So he goes home, sadder, wiser and with shinier testicles. There’s Ryan the “oil executive,” who, like most oil executives, lives in Trenton, New Jersey, which probably just means he works at the Chevron. Meatheads like these you can find in any bar — but black virgin lesbian caterers? Only on MTV. Meet Ashli, who weeps, “Tila was my first love! The next time I find true love, I’ll be ready, and I’ll love even harder!” Ash, maybe next time pick a gal who’ll tell you her real name. You’re so welcome!
The fan favorite is Dani, the butch firefighter from Florida. She could snag a flesh-and-blood girlfriend, which is more than most of her rivals can say. These sad sacks seem a little young to have given up on non-reality-TV love. Tila may not mean any more to them than a chance to stay on camera. But clearly, that means more to them than anything. Viva amore!
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- Portions of Album Content Provided by All Music Guide © 2008 All Media Guide, LLC.
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