The producers of American Idol think they can find The Next Great American Band on TV (and no, they’re not talking about the next great Grand Funk Railroad). We think we can find some pleasure in this pursuit with our Rock Reality Show Recaps. Here’s our second report:
Two Great American Reality Hours in Three Sentences: In the first round of competition, our twelve finalists are plunged into one of America’s greatest traditions: butchering a Bob Dylan song. While this sacred practice is as old as Dylan himself (see how once great American band Red Hot Chili Peppers did “Subterranean Homesick Blues”), it really is something special to watch this diverse group of exposure-hungry noobs stumble though the songbook of our greatest living songwriter. Swing doofuses Denver and the Mile-High Orchestra do the happiest version of “Freight Train Blues” ever; teenage metal band Light Of Doom does Hendrix’s — er, Dylan’s “All Along the Watchtower” and the judges agree they should all put their shirts on; and “Dot Dot Dot” massacre “Like a Rolling Stone” so bad that even the diplomatic Sheila E said “I don’t what happened.” Dicko’s response: “Less time running around like a hyperactive emo leprechaun, more time concentrating on your vocals” (for proof, see the video above).
Best Great American Band: Early RS picks Franklin Bridge do a Terrance Trent D’Arby-ified “Tangled Up In Blue” with ridonkluous drumming and an acid-fried guitar solo … and a funky-loud original with ridonkluous drumming and an acid-fried guitar solo. Sheila E — probably much to the dismay of the producers — threw a fit: “I have nothing bad to say about you guys! You guys are gonna win! You guys are gonna be the Next Great American Band! I predict that!” Hey, we think so too. Seriously, next week we’re gonna go back to watching Ghost Whisperer.
Worst Great American Band: The Likes of You, a band so colorless they were essentially left out of the first episode (telling: colorless judge John Rzeznik is fan) does “Blowin’ in the Wind,” turning a tune that an eight-year-old can tell you is one of the most profound songs ever into vapid, melismatic, anachronistic AOR pop-rock. Insult to injury: the lead singer wore what looked like a fashionable $35 faux-vintage Dylan tee under his douchetastic leather jacket.
Creepiest Great New Zealand Dialogue: Dicko to the lead singer of Rocket: “At times you sounded like my teenage daughter having one of her tanties.” Wait, what?
Most Annoying Great American Dialogue: Before playing their original, at least four bands introduced it with the redundant quip, “This is an original song we wrote.” Bands are all so idiotically stupid!

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- Portions of Album Content Provided by All Music Guide © 2009 All Media Guide, LLC.