Every week on The Salt-N-Pepa Show, two MCs from the late Eighties try to prove they don’t hate each other (and the rap game), while our Rock Reality Show Recaps attempt to prove we don’t resent VH1 for exploiting the heroes of our youth. Here’s our take on the second episode:

Thirty Minutes in Four Sentences: After a double-date disaster with one of Pepa’s bad-boy love interests, Salt embarks on a quest to find her fellow MC the perfect man. Salt sums up her opinion of Pep’s love life by sighing, “Pep and men … good Lord” while Pep squirms under her pal’s judgments. The two hire a professional matchmaker who interviews half a dozen men, all of whom Salt rejects, instead choosing her friend, a youth pastor, as Pep’s suitor. In the end, Pep fires Cheryl as a matchmaker, sticking to her conviction. “I believe in my record ‘Whatta Man.’ I want ‘Whatta Man.’ ”
Disowning the Shoop: In a last-ditch effort to find Pepa this mythical man, Salt invites her pastor friend over to dinner for an evening of quiet desperation. After using her thighs to help open a wine bottle in an outfit that lets the girls breathe, Pepa grills Salt about the incoming suitor, disturbed with a premonition that he was hairless and “round.” When the bashful pastor finally does show up with neither a body like Arnold nor a face like Denzel and pick-up lines about God smiling when he made Pepa, she drags Salt inside the pantry for an angry one-on-one. “I knew he was round. I knew it.” And when Pastor Mark brings up his disapproval of shoop before marriage, Pepa chokes on her food — evidently the dinner has run its course. While Salt spies out the house window, Pepa’s suitor was rebuffed for a good night kiss and left way more woman than he could handle banging on Salt’s front door for a word with her matchmaker.

Whatta Band: While the duo were too busy looking for a little romantic spice for Pepa to get back to the stage, the two did take a trip down the bad memory lane of Pepa’s love life. Pepa’s most famous heartbreak was her marriage with Treach of Naughty By Nature, a union that lasted two years. But apparently her taste for bad boys and even bad boys with gold teeth continues. “I’m on the prowl. I’m in the wild like the animal in the bars I’m ready to pounce on something.” Earlier in the episode, Pepa brings Kenya, a man she met at a club to a double date with Salt and her husband. Kenya wows Salt and her husband by telling a story about how an angry ex threw a knife into his arm and asks Pepa if she was “flexible” with monogamy. (Salt’s bathroom commentary to Pepa: “Red flag, red flag — his woman stabbed him” while Salt defends her dating strategy, “You gotta get your feet wet.”) While the two fight in the ladies room, Salt’s perpetually silent husband made his speaking cameo, asking Kenya “So you really like her?” to which Kenya responds, “Who?” Look for Kenya on season six of I Love New York.

Pushin’ It Forward: After her not-so-religious experience with the youth pastor, Pepa officially fires Salt as her matchmaker, turning instead to the professional that promised to find her a man that ignited fireworks on a first date. Next week, Pep is moving into Salt’s home pushin’ the limits of their friendship, pushin’ them real good.