The producers of American Idol think they can find The Next Great American Band on TV (and no, they’re not talking about the next great Grand Funk Railroad). We think we can find some pleasure in this pursuit with our Rock Reality Show Recaps. Here’s our first report:

Two Great American Reality Hours in Three Sentences: The producers of American Idol scoured the nation for sixty bands, drove them to a stage in “the heart of the desert” and, unfortunately, did not do the world a great service by leaving them all there. We met our judges who already fit the Idol mold perfectly: the prickly veteran (Aussie Idol judge Ian “Dicko” Dickson), the overly nice diplomat (Sheila E., doing a perfect Paula) and someone to break their ties (Goo Goo Doll John Rzeznick). Twelve bands were chosen, but just one will emerge victorious … and dozens of others will have already sacrificed their dignity for a few extra MySpace hits.

Best Next Great American Bands Bands: Of the twelve finalists chosen, most of them are glorified local bands who somehow convinced three judges and a team of producers they have potential: lame Maroon 5 clones (the Hatch), way-sloppy girl punks (Rocket), something with a lot of eyeliner and leaping (Dot Dot Dot), and a twelve-piece big band that doesn’t realize the swing-revival revival is still like fifteen years off (Denver and the Mile High Orchestra). Only two bands are truly worth putting a sawbuck in the office pool: Philly heavy-soul crew Franklin Bridge who have an air-tight mix of funk, rock and chops; and Nashville’s Sixwire, whose Sawyer-Brown-meets-Big-And-Rich-style blend of country, rock and fast-rap will probably go the Daughtry route and sell bazillions no matter if they win or not. (Advantage: They were signed to Warner Bros. in 2002 and are now the veteran also-rans competing in a contest of amateurs and future also-rans)

Saddest Great American Moment: The entire episode worked on the premise that, more than any group of people on earth (with the sole exception of American Idol auditioners), shitty bands are more oblivious to their own limitations than anyone. Two aging rock bands, Tennessee BBQ-pop band Sizzling Happy Family and Ohio M.O.R. rockers Northmont both promised to quit music, get jobs and take care of their families if they didn’t get selected. After Northmont did a faithful cover of Matchbox 20’s “Long Day” (sung beautifully by a close-shaven gym-rat who hit every note like he’s going to punch it into your cerebral cortex) and an original (featuring a beatboxing keyboard player), the judges agreed that the band wasn’t up to par with their forceful frontman. Stepping off the bus in defeat, the guitar player, presumably going back to New Zealand to reunite with the family he left for rock stardom, says “The hardest thing for me is calling my daughter and telling her, ‘Sorry, honeybuns, dad blew it … Yet again.’ ”

Second Saddest Great American Moment: Zolar X, L.A. proto-punk glammers from the late Seventies who are currently staging a comeback. Somehow they thought they could secure their cult status by getting called “middle-aged loser time-wasters who like playing dress-up” by a cranky kiwi. At least the producers were nice enough to list their hometown as “Plutonia.”

Fun Fact: Rock Daily spotted killer Paybacks guitarist Danny Methric’s garage band the Muggs making it to the second round.

Curiosity: The show has a MySpace page. At the top of its list of friends are Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Scissor Sisters, the Killers, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Black Eyed Peas, Fall Out Boy and more. Total friend count: 23,724.