Every week on The Salt-N-Pepa Show, two MCs from the late-Eighties try to prove they don’t hate each other (and the rap game), while our Rock Reality Show Recaps attempt to prove we don’t resent VH1 for exploiting the heroes of our youth. Here’s our take on the first episode:

Thirty Minutes in Five Sentences: Here’s a shocker: Salt and Pepa are absolutely nothing alike. The drama begins instantly as Cheryl “Salt” Wray and Sandy “Pepa” Denton” struggle to reunite for their first gig in five years (a performance at Shaq’s birthday party). The group disbanded abruptly in 2002 when Salt quit the industry to recover from bulimia. Now bitter Pepa is desperate to get the group going again, but churchy Salt is happy in the ‘burbs. Despite fighting about — well, everything — the duo pull off a performance of “Whatta Man” (see above video) even if it was lyrically, politically and theologically neutered.

Disowning the Shoop: Salt has been living a quiet and religious life on Long Island and refers the return of Pepa as “a storm cloud comin’ in” about to do some “serious damage.” On a quest to clean Salt-N-Pepa’s hits of the grime that made them platinum, Salt makes clear she’s no longer down with “Push it real good or you make me want to shoop or how does your penis hang” material. In defense of the lyrics, Pepa swore up and down she always thought “Push It” was a reference to dancing. (Cue laughter.) As a compromise, Pepa let Salt change select words to the relatively harmless “Whatta Man.” After Salt swaps “one shot for the rest of the night” for “I’m so glad he made me his wife,” Pep switches “body like Arnold with a Denzel face” to “a body like Barack with a Denzel face.” Later, in rehearsals, Salt chastises Pepa for adding a lap dance to the act.

Whatta Band: After Shaquille mysteriously cancels the birthday gig, Salt suggests they perform “Whatta Man” at her church so she can give Pepa a glimpse of her new life. Pulling a Sister Act and making their pop hit about the Man himself, Salt hallelujahs while Pepa behaves herself under strict no-shimmying instructions. But in the end the two MCs look like they hadn’t been away from the stage, or each other, for very long.

Pushin’ It Forward: After the church rap, Salt and Pepa have a brief moment of respite from the bickering when Salt apologizes for leaving Pepa in the music biz cold when she quit the trio. Pepa accepts the apology, but then tries to strong-arm Salt into accepting an offer to perform in Australia, causing Salt to storm out. Next Monday we’ll see what song the duo might de-shoop next.