Every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar, an odd mixture of C-list stars test their skills (or lack thereof) on the mic, while Rock Daily’s Rock Reality Show Recaps of the series test our skills at analyzing some really awful hip-hop. Here’s our fifth report:

Sixty Minutes in Five Sentences: In an effort to prove that live rap can be ridiculous no matter who holds the mic, Celebrity Rap Superstar had the remaining contestants perform with their mentors, doing the more experienced rappers’ original tracks (they were going for Dr. Dre and Eminem, but wound up with four pairs of Kris-Kross). Perez Hilton and Tone Loc flowed through “Funky Cold Medina” like molasses with depression while Sebastian Bach and Kurupt gave an enthusiastic but messy version of “Doggy Dog World.” The votes from last week put playmate Kendra Wilkinson in first again (apparently hip-hop hell has frozen over) and Perez still in last. And in the words of the blogger with apparently apathetic readers, the show was “crazy bananas — like a milkshake.”

8-Mile Moment: While not quite Marshall Mathers material, Shar Jackson and MC Lyte’s peformance was clearly the best out of the Sensai and Danielson duos. Performing in a towering red beanie and oversized red jacket that brought back the Nineties and all its accompanying stereotypes, Shar spat MC Lyte’s “Ruffneck,” which Lyte pedagodically informed the audience “is a term for a lot of West Indians I grew up with.” Shar almost outshined her mentor with her delivery and grandstanding, but it was awkward for the whole nation that she performed a song that has lyrics about pubic hair while the camera spied her kids in the front row cheering for their mommy. Nevertheless, all the judges loved it, with Big Boy warning her “you gonna be arrested for 187, ’cause you murdered that.”

Hip-Hop Hilarity: Kendra, who performed “Blow the Whistle” with West Coast pioneer and Oakland legend Too Short, appeared determined in the rehearsal footage to free herself from her trademark booty shaking, opting instead to represent California with the Bay Area’s Hyphy dance moves. Seemingly unaware that baby Hyphy was declared dead before it could hold its own head up, and that she was actually from San Diego — a town considerably south of the contained hip-hop virus, Kendra practiced her Hyphy moves while an eerily focused Too Short told the camera, “I cannot have Kendra mess up my song.” But when the duo hit the stage Kendra went straight to ass nodding, augmented by a shiny gold skull and crossbones belt buckle. What is it that everybody has and pirates sometimes try to steal? The booty, uh huh, the booty.

The Final Verse: The show that makes the hip-hop Congressional hearings actually seem necessary led up to a much-promised “most dramatic moment” of the season. What was this titanic event? Countess Vaughn did not perform because of a mysterious “allergic reaction” which will keep her by doctor’s orders in the house for two weeks. CRS treated her absence as if the Countess were a dearly departed — she was honored with a video montage worthy of a 9/11 tribute. The result: None of the four went home this week, rendering the episode almost as pointless as Kendra Wilkinson speaking. And there goes the past sixty minutes of life which are never ever coming back. But at least next week we can look forward to an especially shiny episode with turbo-tongued Twista guest-judging the remaining four.

[Photo: Vince Bucci/Getty Images; Toby Canham/Getty Images]