Every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar, an odd mixture of C-list stars test their skills (or lack thereof) on the mic, while Rock Daily’s Rock Reality Show Recaps of the series test our skills at analyzing some really awful hip-hop. Here’s our first report:

Sixty Minutes of Mic-Rockin’ Reality in Three Sentences: The premiere of this self-proclaimed “really bad show idea that MTV came up with” (also known as the network’s first series about music in eons) launched with a punishing hour of hip-hop stumbles and a few pleasant surprises. C-list celebrities like “dude from Laguna Beach” and “vote for Pedro guy” got paired up with established MC coaches like Redman and Kurupt, then competed live, American Idol-style, in a bizarre blow-out battle of novice rappers. Contestants included blogger Perez Hilton, Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach, K-Fed’s ex Shar Jackson and five other folks eager to prove hip-hop may really be dead.

8 Mile Moment: Shar Jackson performed Eve’s “Tambourine” with the style and swagger of a seasoned professional. After studying under the tutelage of MC Lite, Jackson had flow like a laid-back Lil’ Kim, and the stage presence of a veteran of verses. Judge Da Brat — who is trying her hand at her third reality show in as many years — said it best: “I know your kids at home are like, ‘I least my momma knows how to rap.’” After Playboy bunny Kendra Wilkinson’s jarring whine and former NFL player Jamal Anderson’s awkward lost-without-a-map freestyle, Jackson’s confidence was refreshing. She just may have clinched the whole competition with this debut performance.
Hip-Hop Hilarity: Both Laguna Beach’s hated resident Jason Wahler and Napoleon Dynamite’s Efren Ramirez bombed with embarrassing force when the beat dropped. Wahler gave a drunken monkey performance of Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’” complete with flailing arms, entire verses forgotten and mentor Bubba Sparxxx sitting on the side of the stage burying his head in shame. But Ramirez may have topped him for self-conscious foolery. After proclaiming his love of hip-hop to the camera, Ramirez took entirely too long in the studio to recognize the monster hit “In Da Club.” His face slowly took on a look of dawning realization before he proudly proclaimed of 50 cent, “I know this guy!” Later, Ramirez performed the single decked out in an ill-advised Marc Anthony outfit, slurring over words like a wino reading a teleprompter. After the judges blasted him, he lamely defended himself by saying, “But man, there were a lot of bad words in it. It was hard.”

The Final Verse: At the end of the slaughter, each of the three judges chose a contestant to be exempt from audience-voted exile from the show. DMC chose Bach, the over-zealous Kid Rock-soundalike MC who flashed the devil horns every ten seconds. Da Brat granted Jackson immunity while Big Boy tipped his hat to Perez, who celebrated his win with an arbitrary shout-out to Britney Spears. Who will get the boot next week? Our guess is a certain reality-show freestyle-inept wild boy whose last name ironically rhymes with “baller.” Tune in next time to watch the VH1 Celebreality all-stars (Warren G, Countess Vaughn, Bizarre) in action once again.